He was always considered my father because I never knew my biological father. He is the only father that I ever knew. He officially adopted me when I was 9 and gave me a 2nd middle name so that I would be named after him in some sense. He is actually a pretty nice guy. Unlike my mother, he comes off as a gentle giant. I’ve heard several people refer to him as a “big teddy bear.” He is about 6’3″ and has always had a pot belly. He gets along with everyone that he meets. On the outside, nobody would ever guess what he had done to me behind closed doors. At times I feared that people wouldn’t believe me because of their preconceived ideas about him.
He married my mother when I was about two. She was his 3rd marriage. He had been divorced for just over a year when they got married. In that marriage, he had two kids. His daughter was just a few months younger than me and his son was 4 years older. I think he was only married to her for about 5 years. The marriage before that was only about a year. She had two girls from a previous relationship. He never spoke of them and as far as I know, never had contact with them after the divorce. He lost custody of his kids from the 2nd marriage. I had never put much thought to his previous marriages until recently. My earliest memories of sexual abuse start at about age 4. I realize now that might not be the earliest it started but just the earliest that I can remember it. I wonder now if he had been abusing the children in those previous relationships. I asked my grandmother why his 2nd marriage didn’t work out. She stuttered a bit when she answered. I felt like she knew something. All she told me was that his ex-wife had been working 2 jobs because he was barely making any money. They had just had their 2nd child. I would be pissed off if I was in her shoes so I can’t blame her at all. Grandma also told me that he just wasn’t a good father. When she said this, it seemed like there was more to it than not being a good father. Considering that there were two girls in his first marriage, I wondered what happened there.
I began to really question these marriages because I recently found out that I definitely wasn’t his first victim. I won’t get too specific but I recently found out that a female family member who is a little younger than him was also molested by him. This part really makes me shutter. When I was younger, one of the ways that he convinced me that this was “normal” was the story about the relationship that he had with this family member. He had told me that he had sex with her as a “favor” to (shutter again) stretch her and get her ready for sexual activity. It now sends shivers down my spine even thinking about it. When I was younger I didn’t think twice about it because he made it seem like it was consensual. I recently found out that it was in fact not consensual and happened for a long time. She had a daughter when she was 18. I am still in contact with that daughter. This person is very dear and special to me. She opened up and told me that she thinks that Dave might be her biological father. After this eye-opening conversation, I really began to wonder if there were more victims. I could easily contact my step-brother and step-sister but I question if I should. I realize now that he was and still is 100% a pedophile. This is a very good reason to keep my children away from him.
My mother swears that he has changed and is working toward being a better person. I call bullshit. I just don’t think that he wants to go through a divorce again and my mother does such a good job taking care of him that he would actually lose a lot if they did split. I know he hasn’t changed. He is still a pervert. I was briefly friends with him on Facebook but had to call that quits after a couple of months. He kept liking and friending porn stars that were very young. These things would pop up in my news feed. It pissed me off. It grossed me out. It proved to me that he hadn’t changed and didn’t care. This was only a couple of years ago. I made sure that my mother knew about it. I told her ALL about how I felt. She didn’t really react. It was like, once again, she didn’t want to be faced with who her husband really is.
He never thought he would live passed his 50th birthday. He is now in his 60’s and quite frankly, I wish his time would come. He has been close to death so many times because he doesn’t take care of his health. He always said that God gave him a second chance. Bullshit. He had insurance and good doctors.
My mother is quite a peach. Just kidding. My mother is the source for a lot of my anger despite the fact that my step-dad sexually abused me. I have had an on and off relationship with her. Things had actually been alright for the last 9 years up until the big fall-out. I didn’t realize that I had so much anger toward her until I started to write this blog. There were many times that she was faced with the fact that her husband was molesting her daughter and she did nothing about it. She was abused by her father growing up so when I became an adult, I tried to be understanding and forgiving. Something else that I’ve learned about myself recently is that I am a people pleaser because of her. This isn’t necessarily a good thing. This personality trait is the reason why I kept a relationship with her at all. I was always afraid to let her go. I don’t know why. I felt guilty at the thought because her mother abandoned her and my biological father also abandoned her. I didn’t want to be one more person in her life to leave her. I sympathized with her. The older I got, though, the more I couldn’t keep doing it. Having children of my own really opened my eyes.
She wasn’t a nice person to me. Not only was I abused sexually by my step-father but she also was abusive toward me. Her preferred method was with words and violence. I don’t know what is wrong with her but whatever it is doesn’t allow her to be disappointed or criticized. She absolutely can’t handle it and will lost her cool especially if she is already under any kind of stress. I don’t have any good memories involving her from my childhood because all of the bad ones overshadow any of the good ones. She was always yelling at me and demanding me around. I was forced to care for my brother to an extent that I shouldn’t have been. Nothing was ever good enough, either. I was a really good kid. I didn’t act out (generally) in public, I had good grades, and seemed overall very normal in the public eye. As a child I was still treated like I was just a piece of property. As I grew closer to being an adult, she tried to convert me into her best friend and shopping buddy. When I wanted no part of it, she couldn’t understand why. She still doesn’t understand why I don’t want to be close to her.
My mother has always had a problem with denial. She tries to play off our family secrets as normal and then tries to put up a facade that we are a “white picket fence” family. My brother had behavior issues as a kid. She would either play these down or just put the blame back on him. She never would take responsibility for him but instead would put all the blame on my step-dad or the school. As I got older I realized that a lot of the things that she did for me was only for this facade. Behind close doors where nobody else was looking or listening, she was a bitch to her family. If it was something where others could see in, she would go out of her way. She did this for birthday parties, my prom, etc. I understood wanting a decent place to live and a decent car to drive, but she got into the habit of living outside of her means to support the idea that things look good on the outside. She was in denial about her own health too. She had been told by several people that she needed to consider getting on meds. I remember one time she was prescribed anti-anxiety medication but she never took it. This was the obvious problem in dealing with my abuse from my step-father. She didn’t want to face what was going on which would force her to divorce and be on her own. Instead she tried to pretend that nothing was happening and convince me of the same.
She isn’t a horrible tyrant of a person but she isn’t the most pleasant either. She can be nice and is to other people. Hell, she was nice to me for the last 9 years for the most part. She was trying to be a decent person, as long as nobody brought up the past and treated her with respect. My childhood was the worst with her. Really, what I dealt with as an adult was her constantly trying to make me be her best friend. She wanted that perfect mother/daughter relationship but I just couldn’t give it to her. I gave in a little but I still had to have my boundaries. I needed her to not talk about my step-dad. She tried to bring up their sex life and how he needed viagra. I didn’t want to hear any of it. She just wanted all the normal things in life like a relationship with her daughter, being a grandma, etc. I couldn’t give her these things anymore because she chose to stay married to my step-father and disregarded what he did to me. She wanted to stand by her man so that’s what she ended up with.