Tag Archives: recovering from abuse

The Aftermath

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I was nervous, scared and all kinds of emotions. It took me about 30 minutes to hit send on that letter. I cried and hyperventilated a bit. Todd caressed my back, reminding me that I have a family that does care about me. He held me and let me cry. He then asked what I was so afraid of. I didn’t really know. I guess I was afraid of hurting her. She had been so emotionally dependent on me that I was afraid of what she might do if I did cut her off. Realistically, though, she probably thinks that it will be just a couple of months and I’ll be back. I don’t think she understands the severity of my pain and doesn’t understand that this is permanent. I resolved that I cannot have a relationship with my mother until she leaves her pedophile husband, which she won’t. In the event that she does, then I will have a very shallow relationship with her unless she makes an effort to get psychological help. In the event that Dave passes away while they are still married, then there will still be no relationship because she still never chose to leave him.

I immediately blocked her and Dave from my page on Facebook. My profile is mostly private but I still didn’t want them stalking what little was public. They have no rights to my life. I was also prepared for the aftermath of the “storm.” I expected her to call since she usually doesn’t respect my boundaries. I knew that if she did, I wouldn’t speak to her but Todd would. He promised that he wouldn’t be as nice as I was. He said that he’s bit his tongue for ten years and he is happy to unleash it if I allow him. I need someone to stick up for me, so sure. I never did get a phone call or a reply on the email. What we did get however was a crazy rant on Facebook for the whole world to see. She never un-friended Todd and he had been so busy with finals and comps that he didn’t think about it. I had been eaten up with guilt over my letter. I just wanted to cry all the time. I felt like I needed to call and apologize but I knew that wasn’t right. What happened to me wasn’t my fault and I deserve to be healed. I decided to start this blog to help start the process of healing. I really needed to write about my life and experiences. I needed to get it out of my head. I needed to not feel so damn guilty about my choice!

A couple of days after I sent the letter, she posted this message on Facebook: To my children, I have loved you both with all my heart. Both your dad (Dave) and I would have done anything and would do anything for either of you and your spouses. We love our grandchildren to the ends of the earth. BUT, we will no longer tolerate being criticized, ridiculed, accused and bullied by with of you. Yes, we made mistakes with both of you, some big, some small, but no parent in the universe is perfect! We know that neither of you love have love in your heart as we have for you both. SO, get over yourselves and gossip all you want with your family and friends, but we will no longer tolerate your actions and harsh words and accusations toward us. WE ARE DONE WITH YOU BOTH!!!

Well, that certainly made things easier for me. My brother isn’t on Facebook and I have her blocked so neither one of us can even see her posts. She just disowned her kids on the internet for the whole world to see! I couldn’t believe what I was reading! I was hoping for a little bit of time for her to examine herself and my life and maybe start moving in the right direction but that’s not at all what happened. She has now gone into all-out denial. I gather from her post that she now doesn’t want to believe that anything happened to me and she is playing the victim. To her, she is the only one hurt. Wow. I just wonder what other people were thinking when they saw that? That was the final nail in the coffin.

I spoke to my brother that night just to let him know what was going on. I guess there was other family in town so he had to go over to her house. He shared only a few words with her. She did tell him that I had gone psycho. I’m psycho… awesome. I’m just going to let her keep thinking that because if she thinks that I’m psycho then she probably won’t bother me. Ok, not entirely true. She did try.

I knew that she was planning a trip to Pennsylvania to visit her family at the end of May. While she was out there, they had gotten the local news channel to cover their reunion. She posted the video to her Facebook page. Todd hadn’t blocked her yet, only un-friended her, so she was able to tag him in pictures of her mother and the video. I was so upset by it because she was manipulating the situation to get to me. She was still disregarding my wish to be left alone. She wanted me to be a part of this reunion but I just could not especially after being disowned by her for the whole world to see. Todd was furious with her that she tagged him. He sent her a message over Facebook. I don’t remember everything put in it but it went something like, “a felony against a child is not a mistake. I have bit my tongue for 10 years while supporting Julie. I couldn’t wait for the day that I could tell you how I feel about what you and Dave did to her and the pain you caused. If you ever tag, message, mention or anything of us in the future, I will become your worse nightmare.” And then he said something about living with her pedophilic husband. It was extremely harsh and I began to have guilty feelings and panicky feelings again. She couldn’t tell her new family really much of anything. Perhaps that’s why she acted like I was accusing her of a falsehood. She wants her new family to believe that something is wrong with me not her. She blocked him after getting the message. He set up another account just to check on her to make sure she wasn’t posting anything about me or us. When he checked, she had taken down all my kids pictures and deleted anything referencing me. I felt bad. I don’t know why but I did. I asked him to shut that new account down and just let her be. I was serious when I said that I didn’t want any more drama. I don’t want to know what she does anymore.

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Age 24 & My Wedding

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Todd and I made a visit to see my family for Labor Day. This would be Todd’s first time meeting them. He was nervous (and mad) after I told him about my abuse. My parents were excited to meet him. Nothing real special happened that weekend. When I was able to have a private moment with my mother, I asked her what she thought of him. “He’s not what I expected.” I still have no idea what she meant by that. What DID she expect? I was crushed! In my sick mind, I was still trying to appease and please her. She did warm up to him, though.

Later in September, Todd proposed to me. I said yes, of course. We originally decided on a June date but then decided to move it up (we didn’t want to wait that long). I wanted to set it in April when everything was blossoming. My mother was in school at the time and told me that wouldn’t work for her because of school. We ended up settling on a date in March to work around her spring break. I was excited to finally get to plan my own wedding. Todd really didn’t care how it went. He preferred that we just elope and spend our money on an amazing honeymoon. I couldn’t give in to that though. I had dreamed of a wedding since I was little. I didn’t want anything extravagant or expensive. I had planned on getting one of those $100 David’s Bridal dresses. They had one that was Greek styled and I loved it. I wanted to have sort of Greek theme. I also had planned on just doing cake and punch in the church’s gym. The only problem I was having was the church. The church that we went to had a really big sanctuary. I wasn’t going to have that many people. I was thinking probably 100 at the most and this church sat about 3,000. I couldn’t really find anything within a reasonable price range to have it at.

My relationship with my mother had been on the mend and was on the upswing. When I talked to her and mentioned some of the above she told me that she had planned on coming to visit and help me plan the wedding and not worry about the financial part because that was her job. She had looked forward to this day more than I did. She didn’t get a wedding. She and Dave eloped at a chapel in a shopping mall on a whim. She came up for a few days in October. My parents didn’t have money whatsoever, so I confronted her and asked how she was planning on paying. She said she was taking out extra student loans and could scrape up a little extra. I fell for it and I knew better. When it comes to my mother, if you don’t give in and “trust” her or call her out on things like this, she will come unglued and make you feel guilty about it. That’s what she did to me. We ended up booking the church for the wedding since it was only $200 but she was not going to do just cake and punch in the gym. She really thought that we were too good for that and we would have so many people from out of town. She did make remarks that she wished I was getting married back in my home town because that is tradition and my parents were paying for most of it. I didn’t want to do that because where I lived was my home. I built up my own life there and had all of my own friends and such. I also felt uneasy about her promise so I wanted to keep things as close to me as possible. It allowed me to have most of the control- not her.

We then booked about $1500 in flowers and candle holders and the atrium at the Holiday Inn down the road from the church. This worked for my mother because they gave her a deal on a block of hotel rooms. I think the reception was going to cost $3500-$4000. This was to feed 150 people. I really didn’t think that many people would come and I told her that this wasn’t that necessary but she insisted. She insisted not because it was a “gift” to me but because she had to look good to all of her family and friends that she thought were coming. It was beautiful and I loved it, don’t get me wrong, but entirely unnecessary considering that none of us really had the money to pay for it.  The next day we went shopping for the dress. I was very clear that I didn’t want to spend much. I also thought that I’d be footing the bill for my get up but again, she assured me that she would. Still, I didn’t want to pay more than $300 for the whole shebang: dress, shoes, tiara and veil. I also wanted to wear flip-flops and not dress shoes. I was all about comfort and anyone who knew me, knew that I wear flip-flops from March until November. I found the one that I wanted but she wasn’t impressed. She didn’t think that it was pretty enough. It was simple and kind of plain. I was ok with that but since she was paying… she had more say. They brought back others but they were more expensive. The dresses just kept getting pricier and pricier and my mother just had them keep coming. She kept assuring me not to worry about it. Then, they brought back a “princess” styled dress with the poofy bottom and a beaded, strapless top. It was gorgeous. It wasn’t even white. It was a pinkish, pearly, beige. I loved it but I still felt that it was too much. As soon as I put it on, she swooned. The drama queen came out and made a scene about how beautiful her daughter looked, blah, blah, blah. Yes, the dress was pretty but it was also $1200. I just felt that it was too much and it was very bulky. I was going to have a hard time dancing in it or sitting or anything really. I even mentioned, “I suppose I could buy a different dress for the reception.” She flipped and said absolutely not because everyone needed to see the dress up close. It looked good on me and was flattering. We went and picked the tiara and veil. They were about $150 and more expensive than the others because of the unique color. I also needed the petticoat- another $100. We were almost up to $1500. She did her best to assure me that everything would be ok. When we were about to check out the lady helping us said that I had to pay for the dress in full right then and there. Of course my mother didn’t have the money or credit. “You could open and line of credit with us,” the sales lady told us. My mother couldn’t do it because of her bad credit so I was put on the spot in front of everyone there. “This is your only wedding, your dream dress!!” Ugh. I knew better and I should have put my foot down. I didn’t though.  If I didn’t give in, she would have freaked out. She promised she would pay the bill later. I didn’t have any choice with her. She made me weak and submissive. I hated it. So I opened the credit and charged the whole thing. I also knew that one of my bridesmaids wouldn’t be able to afford her dress because she was a student so I would have to foot the bill for her. My mother also planned on making the jewelry for the bridesmaids and I would use that as their gift also. I was ok with that because she if very good at making beaded jewelry.

Her visit came to an end and she went home a happy mother. She was so ecstatic over my wedding. Next, I needed to pick out invitations and shoes.