Tag Archives: healing

A Head Full of Regret

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Recovery from abuse is a process. It’s like grieving the death of a loved one. Right now, not only am I coming to terms with what happened to me but I am also having to face my own regrets surrounding the abuse and grieving the “death” of my parents. They aren’t really dead but in my heart they are. That part has been hard. When I first sent my mother the “break-up” letter I had regrets about it. It was difficult and took me almost 30 minutes to hit send. I cried and was sad for a couple of days after that until she went public denouncing my brother and I. Then I didn’t feel so sad about it and knew that I did the right thing. Now my regret is the fact that I waited so long to come forward about it. Those that are close to me know that I was molested by my step-father but most don’t know to what extent. I really didn’t talk about it other than just saying that it happened. Just like my mother, I was trying to paint the facade of a functional normal family but I couldn’t keep up the charade any more. This week I have been flooded with questions that I have asked myself. Some of them I disregard because I know that it wasn’t my fault while others I am beating myself up about them a little. Some of the questions are the “what if’s.”

What if I had not lied to DFS when I was little? My parents threatened me and told me that I would be taken away and put in foster care with families that wouldn’t love and would beat me more than I was already being beaten. I realize now that probably wouldn’t have happened. I know now that I have always had a family that loves me and given the opportunity they would have probably taken me in. I highly doubt that any of my grandparents or aunts and uncles would have let me go into the foster system without putting up a fight. So, if I would have just said something, would I have had a better life? Would my brother have had a better life? I don’t know. I was so young that making that kind of decision back then was 100% my mother’s responsibility. I had another opportunity when I was 11 or 12 and again, I was too afraid to say anything.

Why didn’t I cut them off when I was finally and independent? When I was 21, I was finally broken free from them and lived about 5 hours away. I didn’t really speak to them for about a year but it had more to do with my mother trying to control me than about the abuse as a child. I had the opportunity to just say “sayonara” and be on my merry way… but I didn’t. After a while I was still trying to maintain a relationship with them. I think this time it goes back to the fact that I was a Christian and was trying to do the right, Christian thing and that would have been forgiving and forgetting.

I left the confines of religion when I was about 27. At this point, Christianity wasn’t holding me back anymore but I still didn’t change my relationship with my parents. I think that I had just gotten used to what we had and at that point I was married and had our son. I always had that underlying guilt of letting my mother go. She would always ask me, “If I don’t have you, then who can I talk to?!” She always made me feel guilty for not being there for her even though I told her several times that I didn’t want to be her friend. She really had nobody. She had no parents or siblings. She did have a couple of cousins and her aunt and uncle but they were in California and Pennsylvania which wasn’t close enough, I guess. I was conflicted, there’s no doubt about that. I always felt uncomfortable being around Dave or allowing my son around him but I disregarded those feelings by trying to convince myself that he wasn’t a danger to anyone and that my mother deserved to be a grandmother. After writing almost 40 posts on this blog I now wonder what the fuck was wrong with me! Why did I find this relationship necessary? What took me so long to cut them off??

My main regret, right now, is that I allowed this relationship to go on long enough that they became a part of my son’s life. Luckily, my daughter is young enough that she will never remember them but my son is not. Every once in a while he asks when he can call his grandma or when we are going to visit. I just say “sometime” and change the subject. He’s only 7 so he is way too young to share with him. I feel bad for dragging my husband along when I should have been done with this before I got married.

The good thing is that I have so much support from family and friends. I am so grateful for that! I feel like that have spent a lifetime running a marathon, I’m at the last mile and here is all of my family coming out to support me. I guess I could say that I am lucky. I know that many victims of abuse get shunned by their entire family but that’s not the case for me. Instead the perpetrators are being shunned. Sometimes the support is overwhelming but it is what is getting me through. If it wasn’t for them, I probably would have just shoved all of this back down and not gotten the healing that I deserve. The professionals are right when they say that it takes a good support system to heal. Everyone in my circle (and beyond) has been wonderful. I don’t think I have ever felt more loved than I do now! 🙂

The First Step- The Letter

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The Monday after Mother’s Day I decided to sit down and write a letter to my mother. I had so many emotions flowing through me. I had really pussy-footed around her when it came to telling her how I felt but the time was now to stop doing that. She didn’t understand how much hurt I was suffering from nor did she care. Here is the letter that I sent her:

You wanted to know why I un-friended you from Facebook but failed to listen. That’s fine. You proved to still be the same mother that I’ve always known. It wasn’t entirely for the reasons that I stated and definitely not what you think. I actually have a very deep reason for un-friending you and this is very important so please read this. I have been holding this back for a long time but I got to the point that I just couldn’t take it anymore and the last text you sent me about “hurting” you was just all I could take. You keep posting about how “awesome” and “wonderful” Dave is. You even have the balls to tell me this over the phone as well as comment about your sex life with him (and lack thereof). You also sent me a link to send you on a cruise because you thought that I would think you deserve it. So I need to ask…do you remember that the guy you have chosen to stay married to the man who stole my innocence? It seems like you have forgotten once again since you keep rubbing his existence in my face no matter how much I ask you to stop. Allow me to rehash it. He molested me from age 4 until I was 13 when I finally told him to stop. He had me watch porn, forced me to give him blow jobs, told me that dad’s and daughters do it all the time, it’s normal, it’s “our little secret” and wanted to make me his personal prostitute to go “all the way” with him. He also offered to pimp me out to his slime-bag employees for money. Now that I have refreshed your memory, let me just tell you how much YOU have hurt ME. Don’t EVER say that you didn’t know because you did and you did NOTHING to protect me. NOTHING. I’m sick and tired of sympathizing with you. You were an adult and you knew the difference between right and wrong. You could have made the right choice and you had several opportunities to do so but you didn’t. You forced me to lie to DFS…twice. On top on being sexually abused, you also abused me. You beat me, degraded me, and treated me like complete shit as a child up until I got married. To this day, I have absolutely no good memories involving you in my childhood. I remember feeling like you hated me. I always wondered what would have happened if I wouldn’t have lied to DFS. Maybe I would have been with a family that treated me with dignity. Maybe not. And I hurt YOU?

There were also many times as a teenager that I thought about killing myself just to get away from you. You terrorized me. Remember that stomach pain that I had? It wasn’t diverticulitis. It was stress! No child should have to go through that. When the opportunity for Master’s Commission came up I ran for it not because it was ministry but because it was a way for me to get far away from my family. I was dismayed when I wasn’t accepted back because that meant that I had to move back home. So when Springfield called, of course I was going to jump on that. The rest is history.

Having children of my own, especially a daughter, has really changed my perspective. If my husband were to ever do those things to her, there would probably be a knife in his heart or he would be behind bars.

Today, I am living with nightmares and flashbacks. I need therapy. I need respect. What I don’t need is negativity and guilt. I don’t need the drama and it is not welcome in my home or my heart. I have a lot of healing to accomplish. I have a lot of animosity toward you and it is very difficult for me to reach those goals when you are constantly reminding me of how wonderful you think Dave is and how you have sex with him. It’s disgusting and reminds me that you only care about yourself. You have been extremely insensitive. My needs and hurts are of no concern to you. You think I should just get over it.  SO, when you sent me the email to send you on a cruise, it was like a punch to the gut. It was you telling me to forget my past and the nightmares that I live with daily and glorify my mother that allowed and caused most of them. Every time you tell me (or Facebook) how wonderful Dave is, it kills me inside. You are killing me inside. You were not a good mother. I tried to give you the opportunity to redeem yourself as a grandparent but after the last few weeks I realize that you haven’t changed. You are still the same woman. I have no room in my heart for you right now nor do I want your negativity around my children. I need to heal. This is the first step and I can’t do it when I’m living in guilt to keep a relationship with you. I can’t control what you do with your life or your Facebook for that matter. You can do whatever you want. You can say whatever you want but don’t expect people to want to be a part of your life when you act the way you do.

I have been way too nice and I’ve let this carry on for way too long. I should have cut you off over 10 years ago.

Mom, you need help. You are sick. Dave is sick. You have chosen the life that you have and the man you are married to. You have made your choice. You need to start learning to live with the consequences of your choices. Please don’t contact me. I need time to heal. You have no idea what I’m going through.