Tag Archives: Facebook

Project Unbreakable

Standard

projectunbreakable

I have been really tied up with school lately so I haven’t had a lot of time to orchestrate the posts that I wanted to. However, I did just come across this amazing project on Facebook and I wanted to share. It’s called Project Unbreakable. It was started by 19 year old, Grace Brown who took pictures of people holding signs of quotes from their attackers. The abuse ranges from adult rape to child molestation. The goal is to bring more awareness to the issue through the art of photography. Her project has been featured in the media. Glamour Magazine and The Huffington Post just to name a few.

I wanted to share this because so many of these quotes hit home for me and I know that I could add to the ones that I already looked at.

Here would be some of my submissions:

“Dads and daughters do it all over the world, all the time. It’s totally normal.”

“It’s our little secret. If your mom finds out she would kill me or put me in jail. You love me too much to let that happen, right?” *** Unfortunately, even after my mother found out, she did nothing anyway and is still married to this man.

“I guess he just wanted to make you all his.” My mother after I confronted her when I was 18.

I could go on and on.

You can follow them on Facebook or check them out on Tumbler. Also, please share it! This is wonderful way to give power to survivors and let other victims know that they are not alone.

We may be scarred but we are not broken.

The Aftermath

Standard

I was nervous, scared and all kinds of emotions. It took me about 30 minutes to hit send on that letter. I cried and hyperventilated a bit. Todd caressed my back, reminding me that I have a family that does care about me. He held me and let me cry. He then asked what I was so afraid of. I didn’t really know. I guess I was afraid of hurting her. She had been so emotionally dependent on me that I was afraid of what she might do if I did cut her off. Realistically, though, she probably thinks that it will be just a couple of months and I’ll be back. I don’t think she understands the severity of my pain and doesn’t understand that this is permanent. I resolved that I cannot have a relationship with my mother until she leaves her pedophile husband, which she won’t. In the event that she does, then I will have a very shallow relationship with her unless she makes an effort to get psychological help. In the event that Dave passes away while they are still married, then there will still be no relationship because she still never chose to leave him.

I immediately blocked her and Dave from my page on Facebook. My profile is mostly private but I still didn’t want them stalking what little was public. They have no rights to my life. I was also prepared for the aftermath of the “storm.” I expected her to call since she usually doesn’t respect my boundaries. I knew that if she did, I wouldn’t speak to her but Todd would. He promised that he wouldn’t be as nice as I was. He said that he’s bit his tongue for ten years and he is happy to unleash it if I allow him. I need someone to stick up for me, so sure. I never did get a phone call or a reply on the email. What we did get however was a crazy rant on Facebook for the whole world to see. She never un-friended Todd and he had been so busy with finals and comps that he didn’t think about it. I had been eaten up with guilt over my letter. I just wanted to cry all the time. I felt like I needed to call and apologize but I knew that wasn’t right. What happened to me wasn’t my fault and I deserve to be healed. I decided to start this blog to help start the process of healing. I really needed to write about my life and experiences. I needed to get it out of my head. I needed to not feel so damn guilty about my choice!

A couple of days after I sent the letter, she posted this message on Facebook: To my children, I have loved you both with all my heart. Both your dad (Dave) and I would have done anything and would do anything for either of you and your spouses. We love our grandchildren to the ends of the earth. BUT, we will no longer tolerate being criticized, ridiculed, accused and bullied by with of you. Yes, we made mistakes with both of you, some big, some small, but no parent in the universe is perfect! We know that neither of you love have love in your heart as we have for you both. SO, get over yourselves and gossip all you want with your family and friends, but we will no longer tolerate your actions and harsh words and accusations toward us. WE ARE DONE WITH YOU BOTH!!!

Well, that certainly made things easier for me. My brother isn’t on Facebook and I have her blocked so neither one of us can even see her posts. She just disowned her kids on the internet for the whole world to see! I couldn’t believe what I was reading! I was hoping for a little bit of time for her to examine herself and my life and maybe start moving in the right direction but that’s not at all what happened. She has now gone into all-out denial. I gather from her post that she now doesn’t want to believe that anything happened to me and she is playing the victim. To her, she is the only one hurt. Wow. I just wonder what other people were thinking when they saw that? That was the final nail in the coffin.

I spoke to my brother that night just to let him know what was going on. I guess there was other family in town so he had to go over to her house. He shared only a few words with her. She did tell him that I had gone psycho. I’m psycho… awesome. I’m just going to let her keep thinking that because if she thinks that I’m psycho then she probably won’t bother me. Ok, not entirely true. She did try.

I knew that she was planning a trip to Pennsylvania to visit her family at the end of May. While she was out there, they had gotten the local news channel to cover their reunion. She posted the video to her Facebook page. Todd hadn’t blocked her yet, only un-friended her, so she was able to tag him in pictures of her mother and the video. I was so upset by it because she was manipulating the situation to get to me. She was still disregarding my wish to be left alone. She wanted me to be a part of this reunion but I just could not especially after being disowned by her for the whole world to see. Todd was furious with her that she tagged him. He sent her a message over Facebook. I don’t remember everything put in it but it went something like, “a felony against a child is not a mistake. I have bit my tongue for 10 years while supporting Julie. I couldn’t wait for the day that I could tell you how I feel about what you and Dave did to her and the pain you caused. If you ever tag, message, mention or anything of us in the future, I will become your worse nightmare.” And then he said something about living with her pedophilic husband. It was extremely harsh and I began to have guilty feelings and panicky feelings again. She couldn’t tell her new family really much of anything. Perhaps that’s why she acted like I was accusing her of a falsehood. She wants her new family to believe that something is wrong with me not her. She blocked him after getting the message. He set up another account just to check on her to make sure she wasn’t posting anything about me or us. When he checked, she had taken down all my kids pictures and deleted anything referencing me. I felt bad. I don’t know why but I did. I asked him to shut that new account down and just let her be. I was serious when I said that I didn’t want any more drama. I don’t want to know what she does anymore.

The Big Blowout

Standard

My mother’s lying and negativity was really getting to me. She had been unemployed since the summer time. Her unemployment ran out and she couldn’t find a job. She had been in management for billing for hospitals for the last 10 years. She had also been “laid off” from several of those. My parents had also filed bankruptcy recently for the 3rd time. It’s no surprise to me that she couldn’t get the same $60-$80k/year job because of these factors and I have no doubt that she was let go because of her attitude. She will deny that to the grave. Since their money situation was getting pretty hairy  she decided to pursue a worker’s comp lawsuit against the last hospital that she worked for. She only worked there for 6 months but claimed that she was forced to work about 20 hours more per week than originally agreed upon and at a desk with bad ergonomics (the mouse was in an area below the keyboard). She didn’t start this claim until after she was let go (red flag #1). She has also suffered from carpal tunnel for at least a decade because she has always had a desk job (red flag #2). In the last couple of years, her spare time is usually spent attached to her iPhone or computer playing casino games (or bugging me. Red flag #3). I felt that the whole thing was a sham to get money. Money has always gotten the best of her and she never seems to have enough of it. After one of her appointments with the worker’s comp Dr. she called me to tell me that he said his findings were inconclusive. She was upset but her tone was more like she just thought the doctor was an idiot. I wasn’t being rude to her at all when I told her that it made sense because she had only been at that job for 6 months and he can’t pinpoint her injury to that specific job. It’s probably been a ticking time-bomb in which the company wouldn’t be responsible for. She got angry and talked over me and wouldn’t let me finish any of what I was trying to say. I tried to follow-up with, ‘it’s a shame that we don’t have a better healthcare system so that you can get your surgery and get back to work. It sucks that you have to jump all kinds of hoops and stay unemployed.” That really angered her. I didn’t think I was saying anything derogatory toward her at all but just having a conversation. She then yelled at me through the phone, “You mean to tell me that I don’t deserve compensation for all my time and the abuse that I endured?!?!”   Whoa, what? That’s not worker’s comp. That’s a worker’s rights lawsuit… two totally different things! It came out loud and clear that she was after money so she could keep sitting on her ass feeling sorry for herself. She didn’t want surgery or a job. She also hung up on me.

A couple of days later she texted me: Hello daughter, I am sorry I hung up on you the other day. I just didn’t want to say something very hurtful and ugly to you. Obamacare and politics should never enter into our conversation again. I see things tremendously different than you.

Obamacare? I NEVER mentioned that! FYI- she hates Obama. She especially hates Obamacare. I don’t. My son was able to get a much-needed surgery thanks to the Healthcare Act. She thinks that she knows so much more than anyone else because she does the billing for hospitals so that makes her an authority on health insurance. The truth is, she is from Oklahoma (a very red state) and is surrounded by Obama haters and believes every chain e-mail, meme, or Facebook post that is against him. It doesn’t matter if it’s true or not. I actually look things up before believing them and that drives her crazy about me because she could never handle me telling her that she’s wrong. Anyhow, I never meant the conversation to be about that, I meant it to be about her getting better so she could get a job and not be financially struggling anymore.  At this point, I was tired of pussy-footing around her. I also felt that she was walking on eggshells with me for the last 9 years and rightfully so. She didn’t get it though and she got comfortable. She started to think that she could say whatever she wanted to me and I’d put up with it. I knew that after the blowup at my wedding, I didn’t think that I could handle much more. Since having my daughter, I have been going through a lot more junk from my abuse and she wasn’t helping. She was  pushing me further away.

I responded to her text: It had nothing to do with Obamacare. It had to do with getting you better so you can get on your feet. It would help if you listen. You didn’t let me finish my sentence. It was pretty childish.

My mother: There is a lot more than the physical going on. I’m trying to apologize to you.

No, she wasn’t. She was trying to get an excuse to treat me like shit. I wasn’t accepting her apology. I was pretty pissed at her and I felt that what she was doing was really pathetic. I didn’t speak to her for about a week. At the beginning of that week, after she hung up on me, I finally got sick of her shit on Facebook and unfriended her. I did it for 3 reasons: 1) I was curious what the public could see in terms of her worker’s comp case. It was public and very obvious that she played internet games a good chunk of her day. That’s not something that a person does when they are in pain and trying to win a case regarding that pain. 2) She was just so damn intense and attention hungry. Her posts were just crazy and downright rude. She posted an anti-Obama meme that pretty much dogged anyone that is or ever has taken welfare. If you want to make friends, then you would typically avoid that type of banter. 3) I couldn’t take her posts about Dave anymore. Enough was enough. The man stole my innocence was far from “wonderful.”

At the end of that week she texted me, “You’ve been awfully quiet.”

“So have you,” I replied. She thought I had been too busy to talk. I was, but not that busy. I got unpacked pretty quickly.

I texted her back, “Things are slowing down. I backed off from talking to you because you were pretty intense.”

That was me being nice. Intense was way too nice of a word. The better word would have been “bitch.” She texted me back a sad face. Here we go… let the guilt trip begin.

“You just have no idea and I don’t want to discuss this with you any more regarding my working and work comp issues. You don’t understand.”

“Apparently not, it’s a good idea that we don’t discuss that,” I replied. Unfortunately, she wouldn’t really have anything else to talk about other than Dave and gossiping about other people who I wasn’t going to do. She wrapped that up by telling me that she loved me very much. Over the course of the next week, I didn’t really speak to her much. I think we talked maybe once and it was just small talk. I really had nothing to say. I texted her a couple of pictures of the kids and that was about it. A couple of days before Mother’s Day I received a very elaborate card from her wishing me a happy Mother’s Day and thanking me for making her a grandma. I don’t think she has ever noticed, but I hadn’t sent her a card for Mother’s Day or Dave a Father’s Day card in at least 8 years. I didn’t think they were good parents and didn’t deserve it. I also am horrible at sending cards and remembering dates, but that’s beside the point.

The Saturday right before Mother’s Day she texted me, “Do you realize that I have been un-friended from you fb?” She didn’t even give me a chance to respond before calling me. I was very calm with her and tried to explain that A) I was curious about what a worker’s comp lawyer could see and sure enough they can see that she plays a bunch of games and B) she was intense and posting really crazy rants and I didn’t want to see them because they were embarrassing. I barely got my second point and never made it to the third before she ripped into me about how her worker’s comp was none of my business. I told her that I was just curious and that it’s something she should take into consideration. I also told her that her posts on Facebook were making her look like she was crazy and she should just stick to funny cat pictures because nobody gives a shit about how pathetic her life is. It was a bit harsh but the truth. Nobody ever liked her posts when she did that. She then went on ranting about her first amendment rights and how she doesn’t have to censor herself for no one. Sure, she doesn’t have to but when a person goes about life saying whatever they want to whoever, don’t expect them to stick around. A few minutes after she hung up on me she texted back not to worry about re-friending her. Good thing because I wasn’t planning on it.

About 30 minutes later I received this text:  “I don’t have to justify what I do or my opinions to you or anyone. I just went through my fb and there is nothing that should concern you.” Followed up with: “I’m extremely hurt and insulted by your actions. It’s an awful shame that you feel that you have to critique me on my opinions and thoughts. This is very sad. I’m happy for Todd for the process you have made (grad school I think?) but I will not allow neither of you to make me feel like this. This is truly a shame.”

I always knew that the next time she blew up at me and did this would be the last. I don’t need it and I certainly don’t need it around my kids. I would like to point out that I really wasn’t rude to her at all. I have been telling her for the last few years that I will always be honest with her and the reason is that she complains about not having anyone to talk to. This also means that nobody else is there to tell her when she is wrong. However, she doesn’t handle criticism well. I was simply informing her of what an outsider could see and how it might affect her worker’s comp case. I would think that is a favor. She was talking over me the whole time I tried to explain the rest so she didn’t hear anything that I said beyond that. My comment about her being intense and crazy wasn’t even heard. She has been pissed off at me for telling her the truth about her workers comp. That’s all. Seriously. This is what pissed her off. Has she ever been pissed like that at Dave for what he did? Nope. But she got mad at me for that.

The last text from her really got to me. I was so upset. I showed my husband and he looked me in the eye and said, “It’s time that you cut them off. You don’t deserve to be treated this way and you know that she will never get better.”  He was right. I really needed to cut it off. I wasn’t healing and so many things were coming up in my life that were holding me back. I just couldn’t shake it anymore. I couldn’t just go about life with the attitude that it’s in the past and move on. I realized that I had too much baggage to keep moving on. I had been waiting for her to leave Dave. She had pretty much set in stone recently that she had no intentions of leaving him. Between that and her new rekindling with her family, I felt that it was time. Todd suggested that I just call her but I knew better. She wouldn’t listen. She would yell and scream over me and only hear what she wanted to. That’s how she’s always been. She is right…. always. Everyone else is wrong and don’t dare try to tell her otherwise. I chose to write a letter and email it to her. I knew that I needed to tell her exactly how I felt. I was so hurt at the fact that she was shaming me and accusing me of hurting her when that wasn’t my intention at all. I was done.