Tag Archives: disowning parents

The First Step- The Letter

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The Monday after Mother’s Day I decided to sit down and write a letter to my mother. I had so many emotions flowing through me. I had really pussy-footed around her when it came to telling her how I felt but the time was now to stop doing that. She didn’t understand how much hurt I was suffering from nor did she care. Here is the letter that I sent her:

You wanted to know why I un-friended you from Facebook but failed to listen. That’s fine. You proved to still be the same mother that I’ve always known. It wasn’t entirely for the reasons that I stated and definitely not what you think. I actually have a very deep reason for un-friending you and this is very important so please read this. I have been holding this back for a long time but I got to the point that I just couldn’t take it anymore and the last text you sent me about “hurting” you was just all I could take. You keep posting about how “awesome” and “wonderful” Dave is. You even have the balls to tell me this over the phone as well as comment about your sex life with him (and lack thereof). You also sent me a link to send you on a cruise because you thought that I would think you deserve it. So I need to ask…do you remember that the guy you have chosen to stay married to the man who stole my innocence? It seems like you have forgotten once again since you keep rubbing his existence in my face no matter how much I ask you to stop. Allow me to rehash it. He molested me from age 4 until I was 13 when I finally told him to stop. He had me watch porn, forced me to give him blow jobs, told me that dad’s and daughters do it all the time, it’s normal, it’s “our little secret” and wanted to make me his personal prostitute to go “all the way” with him. He also offered to pimp me out to his slime-bag employees for money. Now that I have refreshed your memory, let me just tell you how much YOU have hurt ME. Don’t EVER say that you didn’t know because you did and you did NOTHING to protect me. NOTHING. I’m sick and tired of sympathizing with you. You were an adult and you knew the difference between right and wrong. You could have made the right choice and you had several opportunities to do so but you didn’t. You forced me to lie to DFS…twice. On top on being sexually abused, you also abused me. You beat me, degraded me, and treated me like complete shit as a child up until I got married. To this day, I have absolutely no good memories involving you in my childhood. I remember feeling like you hated me. I always wondered what would have happened if I wouldn’t have lied to DFS. Maybe I would have been with a family that treated me with dignity. Maybe not. And I hurt YOU?

There were also many times as a teenager that I thought about killing myself just to get away from you. You terrorized me. Remember that stomach pain that I had? It wasn’t diverticulitis. It was stress! No child should have to go through that. When the opportunity for Master’s Commission came up I ran for it not because it was ministry but because it was a way for me to get far away from my family. I was dismayed when I wasn’t accepted back because that meant that I had to move back home. So when Springfield called, of course I was going to jump on that. The rest is history.

Having children of my own, especially a daughter, has really changed my perspective. If my husband were to ever do those things to her, there would probably be a knife in his heart or he would be behind bars.

Today, I am living with nightmares and flashbacks. I need therapy. I need respect. What I don’t need is negativity and guilt. I don’t need the drama and it is not welcome in my home or my heart. I have a lot of healing to accomplish. I have a lot of animosity toward you and it is very difficult for me to reach those goals when you are constantly reminding me of how wonderful you think Dave is and how you have sex with him. It’s disgusting and reminds me that you only care about yourself. You have been extremely insensitive. My needs and hurts are of no concern to you. You think I should just get over it.  SO, when you sent me the email to send you on a cruise, it was like a punch to the gut. It was you telling me to forget my past and the nightmares that I live with daily and glorify my mother that allowed and caused most of them. Every time you tell me (or Facebook) how wonderful Dave is, it kills me inside. You are killing me inside. You were not a good mother. I tried to give you the opportunity to redeem yourself as a grandparent but after the last few weeks I realize that you haven’t changed. You are still the same woman. I have no room in my heart for you right now nor do I want your negativity around my children. I need to heal. This is the first step and I can’t do it when I’m living in guilt to keep a relationship with you. I can’t control what you do with your life or your Facebook for that matter. You can do whatever you want. You can say whatever you want but don’t expect people to want to be a part of your life when you act the way you do.

I have been way too nice and I’ve let this carry on for way too long. I should have cut you off over 10 years ago.

Mom, you need help. You are sick. Dave is sick. You have chosen the life that you have and the man you are married to. You have made your choice. You need to start learning to live with the consequences of your choices. Please don’t contact me. I need time to heal. You have no idea what I’m going through.

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The Big Blowout

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My mother’s lying and negativity was really getting to me. She had been unemployed since the summer time. Her unemployment ran out and she couldn’t find a job. She had been in management for billing for hospitals for the last 10 years. She had also been “laid off” from several of those. My parents had also filed bankruptcy recently for the 3rd time. It’s no surprise to me that she couldn’t get the same $60-$80k/year job because of these factors and I have no doubt that she was let go because of her attitude. She will deny that to the grave. Since their money situation was getting pretty hairy  she decided to pursue a worker’s comp lawsuit against the last hospital that she worked for. She only worked there for 6 months but claimed that she was forced to work about 20 hours more per week than originally agreed upon and at a desk with bad ergonomics (the mouse was in an area below the keyboard). She didn’t start this claim until after she was let go (red flag #1). She has also suffered from carpal tunnel for at least a decade because she has always had a desk job (red flag #2). In the last couple of years, her spare time is usually spent attached to her iPhone or computer playing casino games (or bugging me. Red flag #3). I felt that the whole thing was a sham to get money. Money has always gotten the best of her and she never seems to have enough of it. After one of her appointments with the worker’s comp Dr. she called me to tell me that he said his findings were inconclusive. She was upset but her tone was more like she just thought the doctor was an idiot. I wasn’t being rude to her at all when I told her that it made sense because she had only been at that job for 6 months and he can’t pinpoint her injury to that specific job. It’s probably been a ticking time-bomb in which the company wouldn’t be responsible for. She got angry and talked over me and wouldn’t let me finish any of what I was trying to say. I tried to follow-up with, ‘it’s a shame that we don’t have a better healthcare system so that you can get your surgery and get back to work. It sucks that you have to jump all kinds of hoops and stay unemployed.” That really angered her. I didn’t think I was saying anything derogatory toward her at all but just having a conversation. She then yelled at me through the phone, “You mean to tell me that I don’t deserve compensation for all my time and the abuse that I endured?!?!”   Whoa, what? That’s not worker’s comp. That’s a worker’s rights lawsuit… two totally different things! It came out loud and clear that she was after money so she could keep sitting on her ass feeling sorry for herself. She didn’t want surgery or a job. She also hung up on me.

A couple of days later she texted me: Hello daughter, I am sorry I hung up on you the other day. I just didn’t want to say something very hurtful and ugly to you. Obamacare and politics should never enter into our conversation again. I see things tremendously different than you.

Obamacare? I NEVER mentioned that! FYI- she hates Obama. She especially hates Obamacare. I don’t. My son was able to get a much-needed surgery thanks to the Healthcare Act. She thinks that she knows so much more than anyone else because she does the billing for hospitals so that makes her an authority on health insurance. The truth is, she is from Oklahoma (a very red state) and is surrounded by Obama haters and believes every chain e-mail, meme, or Facebook post that is against him. It doesn’t matter if it’s true or not. I actually look things up before believing them and that drives her crazy about me because she could never handle me telling her that she’s wrong. Anyhow, I never meant the conversation to be about that, I meant it to be about her getting better so she could get a job and not be financially struggling anymore.  At this point, I was tired of pussy-footing around her. I also felt that she was walking on eggshells with me for the last 9 years and rightfully so. She didn’t get it though and she got comfortable. She started to think that she could say whatever she wanted to me and I’d put up with it. I knew that after the blowup at my wedding, I didn’t think that I could handle much more. Since having my daughter, I have been going through a lot more junk from my abuse and she wasn’t helping. She was  pushing me further away.

I responded to her text: It had nothing to do with Obamacare. It had to do with getting you better so you can get on your feet. It would help if you listen. You didn’t let me finish my sentence. It was pretty childish.

My mother: There is a lot more than the physical going on. I’m trying to apologize to you.

No, she wasn’t. She was trying to get an excuse to treat me like shit. I wasn’t accepting her apology. I was pretty pissed at her and I felt that what she was doing was really pathetic. I didn’t speak to her for about a week. At the beginning of that week, after she hung up on me, I finally got sick of her shit on Facebook and unfriended her. I did it for 3 reasons: 1) I was curious what the public could see in terms of her worker’s comp case. It was public and very obvious that she played internet games a good chunk of her day. That’s not something that a person does when they are in pain and trying to win a case regarding that pain. 2) She was just so damn intense and attention hungry. Her posts were just crazy and downright rude. She posted an anti-Obama meme that pretty much dogged anyone that is or ever has taken welfare. If you want to make friends, then you would typically avoid that type of banter. 3) I couldn’t take her posts about Dave anymore. Enough was enough. The man stole my innocence was far from “wonderful.”

At the end of that week she texted me, “You’ve been awfully quiet.”

“So have you,” I replied. She thought I had been too busy to talk. I was, but not that busy. I got unpacked pretty quickly.

I texted her back, “Things are slowing down. I backed off from talking to you because you were pretty intense.”

That was me being nice. Intense was way too nice of a word. The better word would have been “bitch.” She texted me back a sad face. Here we go… let the guilt trip begin.

“You just have no idea and I don’t want to discuss this with you any more regarding my working and work comp issues. You don’t understand.”

“Apparently not, it’s a good idea that we don’t discuss that,” I replied. Unfortunately, she wouldn’t really have anything else to talk about other than Dave and gossiping about other people who I wasn’t going to do. She wrapped that up by telling me that she loved me very much. Over the course of the next week, I didn’t really speak to her much. I think we talked maybe once and it was just small talk. I really had nothing to say. I texted her a couple of pictures of the kids and that was about it. A couple of days before Mother’s Day I received a very elaborate card from her wishing me a happy Mother’s Day and thanking me for making her a grandma. I don’t think she has ever noticed, but I hadn’t sent her a card for Mother’s Day or Dave a Father’s Day card in at least 8 years. I didn’t think they were good parents and didn’t deserve it. I also am horrible at sending cards and remembering dates, but that’s beside the point.

The Saturday right before Mother’s Day she texted me, “Do you realize that I have been un-friended from you fb?” She didn’t even give me a chance to respond before calling me. I was very calm with her and tried to explain that A) I was curious about what a worker’s comp lawyer could see and sure enough they can see that she plays a bunch of games and B) she was intense and posting really crazy rants and I didn’t want to see them because they were embarrassing. I barely got my second point and never made it to the third before she ripped into me about how her worker’s comp was none of my business. I told her that I was just curious and that it’s something she should take into consideration. I also told her that her posts on Facebook were making her look like she was crazy and she should just stick to funny cat pictures because nobody gives a shit about how pathetic her life is. It was a bit harsh but the truth. Nobody ever liked her posts when she did that. She then went on ranting about her first amendment rights and how she doesn’t have to censor herself for no one. Sure, she doesn’t have to but when a person goes about life saying whatever they want to whoever, don’t expect them to stick around. A few minutes after she hung up on me she texted back not to worry about re-friending her. Good thing because I wasn’t planning on it.

About 30 minutes later I received this text:  “I don’t have to justify what I do or my opinions to you or anyone. I just went through my fb and there is nothing that should concern you.” Followed up with: “I’m extremely hurt and insulted by your actions. It’s an awful shame that you feel that you have to critique me on my opinions and thoughts. This is very sad. I’m happy for Todd for the process you have made (grad school I think?) but I will not allow neither of you to make me feel like this. This is truly a shame.”

I always knew that the next time she blew up at me and did this would be the last. I don’t need it and I certainly don’t need it around my kids. I would like to point out that I really wasn’t rude to her at all. I have been telling her for the last few years that I will always be honest with her and the reason is that she complains about not having anyone to talk to. This also means that nobody else is there to tell her when she is wrong. However, she doesn’t handle criticism well. I was simply informing her of what an outsider could see and how it might affect her worker’s comp case. I would think that is a favor. She was talking over me the whole time I tried to explain the rest so she didn’t hear anything that I said beyond that. My comment about her being intense and crazy wasn’t even heard. She has been pissed off at me for telling her the truth about her workers comp. That’s all. Seriously. This is what pissed her off. Has she ever been pissed like that at Dave for what he did? Nope. But she got mad at me for that.

The last text from her really got to me. I was so upset. I showed my husband and he looked me in the eye and said, “It’s time that you cut them off. You don’t deserve to be treated this way and you know that she will never get better.”  He was right. I really needed to cut it off. I wasn’t healing and so many things were coming up in my life that were holding me back. I just couldn’t shake it anymore. I couldn’t just go about life with the attitude that it’s in the past and move on. I realized that I had too much baggage to keep moving on. I had been waiting for her to leave Dave. She had pretty much set in stone recently that she had no intentions of leaving him. Between that and her new rekindling with her family, I felt that it was time. Todd suggested that I just call her but I knew better. She wouldn’t listen. She would yell and scream over me and only hear what she wanted to. That’s how she’s always been. She is right…. always. Everyone else is wrong and don’t dare try to tell her otherwise. I chose to write a letter and email it to her. I knew that I needed to tell her exactly how I felt. I was so hurt at the fact that she was shaming me and accusing me of hurting her when that wasn’t my intention at all. I was done.

My Wedding, Continued

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A week after my mother’s trip, she found out that her father had passed away. It was really interesting how it happened. He was dying of bone cancer and didn’t tell a soul. He had disowned my mother years before and she returned the favor. The stories that I heard from others about him were that he was very abusive toward my mother.  He abandoned his apartment and checked himself into a nursing home and died a few weeks later. It took the state of Pennsylvania about two weeks to find her since she was the only next of kin. He had no wife or other children. She was hysterical. I wasn’t. I was pretty blunt about it too and maybe insensitive. I felt that since he was so abusive toward her and then disowned her, she should just acknowledge that he died and move on. Personally, I always felt that if my parents died I would probably grieve a little bit, but really, it would be a relief. She didn’t see it that way. She dropped everything and made a trip up to Philadelphia. I understand that she wanted to see if he left any information about her birth mother. She had no information about her so I understood that this was important to her but I think there could have been better ways to go about it. They county already cremated him because they couldn’t find any family in time. She came back with some stuff and then a few weeks later went back with Dave and his (shitty) truck to take care of the rest of the apartment. I think she ended up having to pay for the last month of rent since he abandoned it and then she had to pay to have the rest of the furniture and stuff hauled off. He didn’t put his affairs in order. He left quite a mess. If it was me, I would have let the apartment go but she didn’t do that. Because she dumped so much money in the back and forth from Oklahoma to Pennsylvania, I had to confront her about my wedding details. She flipped out and yelled at me that we couldn’t discuss my wedding because she was still grieving. It was a month after the fact and she wasn’t close to him. I’ll be honest. I was pretty fucking rude to her at that point because I didn’t understand why she was dumping so much of her resources (that she didn’t have) into putting him and his things to rest. I told her that she needed to hurry up and get over it. I did later apologize and I admit that I was being insensitive but she wouldn’t talk to me about the wedding details and I needed to know. I really couldn’t afford to be stuck with this entire bill. I was already paying for the church, the flowers and our honeymoon. That’s about all that we could afford. We were wanting to go to the Florida keys or something but had to go a different route because we wouldn’t be able to afford it. So, we ended up booking a bed and breakfast in Hot Springs, Arkansas. She was livid with me for my comment so I just let things simmer down for a bit. She finally got in touch with me and let me know that things would be fine and she would still be able to pay for what she promised. I don’t know how, but she promised.

We had asked both of our mothers to provide us with a list of family and close family friends that they would like to be invited to our wedding so that we could get our invitations ordered. We needed to have them ordered by December in order to have enough time to address them and send them out. We picked a simple 4-fold invitation that didn’t require an envelope. The RSVP was a tear-off postcard. I loved the simplicity and they were cheap. Todd’s mother sent us a list that would have been about 45 invitations total. Between Todd and I, we had about 50 invitations. We received a list from my mother and she had almost 90 invitations. I called and told her that I wasn’t inviting all those people because this would end up being well over 150 people. Granted, most of the people on her list wouldn’t be coming because they were out-of-town. However, there was about two dozen people on that list that had no business getting an invite from me. She had people that she worked with a decade before. These people probably didn’t even know who I was. They weren’t close family friends, they were her old co-workers. I called again after taking a closer look at the list and told her that I absolutely wasn’t inviting these people and that it was an embarrassment to me that she was even suggesting that I should. In her infamous fashion, she went ape-shit on me over the phone. Keep in mind that my mother cannot communicate like a mature adult.  She chewed me out over the phone and reminded me who was footing the bill. She also told me, “well, duh, I know those people aren’t going to come!! I want you to send them invites so they will send you presents and money!!” Apparently, she wasn’t aware of the fact that people just don’t send a person that they barely know money and gifts for their wedding. I knew my invite would just end up in the trash and our budget was super tight so I didn’t want to have to bump up to the next level of invites. I would have been out an extra $50 to make that happen. I argued with her and told her that she was ridiculous and that I wasn’t after gifts and money. This was our special day and I wanted those that cared about me present and invited. She ended up threatening me that if I didn’t comply with her wishes that she wouldn’t pay for a damn thing. I was already screwed with a $1500 David’s Bridal credit card.

She hung up on. I was upset and crying. Todd was there with me. I told him what she said. That really pissed him off. He knew about my past with my parents and didn’t feel that I needed to endure any more abuse. He picked up the phone and called her back. In a very stern voice he told my parents that if my mother wants to act like a child and not pay for all of the things that she promised, then we would change our wedding plans and they would not be invited. She changed her tune real quick. A few days later, she told me that she was still upset about her father. I call bullshit because she hated her father but it was a good cop-out. Without her knowledge, I removed all of those co-workers from the list. She didn’t speak to those people any more and I knew she would never find out. I had to invite the people from the church. Partially, because she threw a wedding shower and most of those people showed up for us so it would be disrespectful not to. Also, she would probably find out if I didn’t invite them. We whittled her list down to about 65, knowing that most of those people weren’t going to come.

I got my first bill in February for the David’s Bridal account. When I opened the bill, I about lost my shit. She tacked on another $300 just for HER outfit. I didn’t give her authorization to put anything on my account but someone at David’s Bridal in Oklahoma didn’t think it would be a big deal. I thought she would have bought something at JC Penny or something like that and for a lot less than $300! At this point, we were putting all of our extra money into the honeymoon and pictures. Money was very tight! Todd and I already had several credit cards between the two of us and his student debt so we were trying to be smart and limit ourselves. I was livid with her. She hadn’t paid a dime toward this card so I felt that she had no business putting her outfit on there. I also thought that $300 for her stuff was just extravagant and unnecessary. I didn’t even confront her about this one because she swore she was paying me back for this.

Our wedding day came and everything went off without a hitch. We had good control over everything and everyone had a good time. My mother came through on the reception but that was it. We were forced to forgive the $1800 debt for the dresses because they were struggling financially because of my grandfather’s death. I was really surprised to see some people from my old church show up. It was about a 4 1/2 hour drive. I wasn’t surprised that many other family friends didn’t even send a card much less show up. She was so certain that I would get all of these presents and money but we didn’t really get anything from anyone on her list. She never found out that I didn’t send invites to her old co-workers so I’m happy that I made that decision. After the wedding, my parents treated me with more respect. I really think it’s because Todd stood up for me and they knew that they now had to go through him. I wasn’t fair game anymore.