Tag Archives: crazy mother

My Mother

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My mother is quite a peach. Just kidding. My mother is the source for a lot of my anger despite the fact that my step-dad sexually abused me. I have had an on and off relationship with her. Things had actually been alright for the last 9 years up until the big fall-out. I didn’t realize that I had so much anger toward her until I started to write this blog. There were many times that she was faced with the fact that her husband was molesting her daughter and she did nothing about it. She was abused by her father growing up so when I became an adult, I tried to be understanding and forgiving. Something else that I’ve learned about myself recently is that I am a people pleaser because of her. This isn’t necessarily a good thing. This personality trait is the reason why I kept a relationship with her at all. I was always afraid to let her go. I don’t know why. I felt guilty at the thought because her mother abandoned her and my biological father also abandoned her. I didn’t want to be one more person in her life to leave her. I sympathized with her. The older I got, though, the more I couldn’t keep doing it. Having children of my own really opened my eyes.

She wasn’t a nice person to me. Not only was I abused sexually by my step-father but she also was abusive toward me. Her preferred method was with words and violence. I don’t know what is wrong with her but whatever it is doesn’t allow her to be disappointed or criticized. She absolutely can’t handle it and will lost her cool especially if she is already under any kind of stress. I don’t have any good memories involving her from my childhood because all of the bad ones overshadow any of the good ones. She was always yelling at me and demanding me around. I was forced to care for my brother to an extent that I shouldn’t have been. Nothing was ever good enough, either. I was a really good kid. I didn’t act out (generally) in public, I had good grades, and seemed overall very normal in the public eye. As a child I was still treated like I was just a piece of property. As I grew closer to being an adult, she tried to convert me into her best friend and shopping buddy. When I wanted no part of it, she couldn’t understand why. She still doesn’t understand why I don’t want to be close to her.

My mother has always had a problem with denial. She tries to play off our family secrets as normal and then tries to put up a facade that we are a “white picket fence” family. My brother had behavior issues as a kid. She would either play these down or just put the blame back on him. She never would take responsibility for him but instead would put all the blame on my step-dad or the school. As I got older I realized that a lot of the things that she did for me was only for this facade. Behind close doors where nobody else was looking or listening, she was a bitch to her family. If it was something where others could see in, she would go out of her way. She did this for birthday parties, my prom, etc. I understood wanting a decent place to live and a decent car to drive, but she got into the habit of living outside of her means to support the idea that things look good on the outside. She was in denial about her own health too. She had been told by several people that she needed to consider getting on meds. I remember one time she was prescribed anti-anxiety medication but she never took it. This was the obvious problem in dealing with my abuse from my step-father. She didn’t want to face what was going on which would force her to divorce and be on her own. Instead she tried to pretend that nothing was happening and convince me of the same.

She isn’t a horrible tyrant of a person but she isn’t the most pleasant either. She can be nice and is to other people. Hell, she was nice to me for the last 9 years for the most part. She was trying to be a decent person, as long as nobody brought up the past and treated her with respect. My childhood was the worst with her. Really, what I dealt with as an adult was her constantly trying to make me be her best friend. She wanted that perfect mother/daughter relationship but I just couldn’t give it to her. I gave in a little but I still had to have my boundaries. I needed her to not talk about my step-dad. She tried to bring up their sex life and how he needed viagra. I didn’t want to hear any of it. She just wanted all the normal things in life like a relationship with her daughter, being a grandma, etc. I couldn’t give her these things anymore because she chose to stay married to my step-father and disregarded what he did to me. She wanted to stand by her man so that’s what she ended up with.

 

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The Aftermath

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I was nervous, scared and all kinds of emotions. It took me about 30 minutes to hit send on that letter. I cried and hyperventilated a bit. Todd caressed my back, reminding me that I have a family that does care about me. He held me and let me cry. He then asked what I was so afraid of. I didn’t really know. I guess I was afraid of hurting her. She had been so emotionally dependent on me that I was afraid of what she might do if I did cut her off. Realistically, though, she probably thinks that it will be just a couple of months and I’ll be back. I don’t think she understands the severity of my pain and doesn’t understand that this is permanent. I resolved that I cannot have a relationship with my mother until she leaves her pedophile husband, which she won’t. In the event that she does, then I will have a very shallow relationship with her unless she makes an effort to get psychological help. In the event that Dave passes away while they are still married, then there will still be no relationship because she still never chose to leave him.

I immediately blocked her and Dave from my page on Facebook. My profile is mostly private but I still didn’t want them stalking what little was public. They have no rights to my life. I was also prepared for the aftermath of the “storm.” I expected her to call since she usually doesn’t respect my boundaries. I knew that if she did, I wouldn’t speak to her but Todd would. He promised that he wouldn’t be as nice as I was. He said that he’s bit his tongue for ten years and he is happy to unleash it if I allow him. I need someone to stick up for me, so sure. I never did get a phone call or a reply on the email. What we did get however was a crazy rant on Facebook for the whole world to see. She never un-friended Todd and he had been so busy with finals and comps that he didn’t think about it. I had been eaten up with guilt over my letter. I just wanted to cry all the time. I felt like I needed to call and apologize but I knew that wasn’t right. What happened to me wasn’t my fault and I deserve to be healed. I decided to start this blog to help start the process of healing. I really needed to write about my life and experiences. I needed to get it out of my head. I needed to not feel so damn guilty about my choice!

A couple of days after I sent the letter, she posted this message on Facebook: To my children, I have loved you both with all my heart. Both your dad (Dave) and I would have done anything and would do anything for either of you and your spouses. We love our grandchildren to the ends of the earth. BUT, we will no longer tolerate being criticized, ridiculed, accused and bullied by with of you. Yes, we made mistakes with both of you, some big, some small, but no parent in the universe is perfect! We know that neither of you love have love in your heart as we have for you both. SO, get over yourselves and gossip all you want with your family and friends, but we will no longer tolerate your actions and harsh words and accusations toward us. WE ARE DONE WITH YOU BOTH!!!

Well, that certainly made things easier for me. My brother isn’t on Facebook and I have her blocked so neither one of us can even see her posts. She just disowned her kids on the internet for the whole world to see! I couldn’t believe what I was reading! I was hoping for a little bit of time for her to examine herself and my life and maybe start moving in the right direction but that’s not at all what happened. She has now gone into all-out denial. I gather from her post that she now doesn’t want to believe that anything happened to me and she is playing the victim. To her, she is the only one hurt. Wow. I just wonder what other people were thinking when they saw that? That was the final nail in the coffin.

I spoke to my brother that night just to let him know what was going on. I guess there was other family in town so he had to go over to her house. He shared only a few words with her. She did tell him that I had gone psycho. I’m psycho… awesome. I’m just going to let her keep thinking that because if she thinks that I’m psycho then she probably won’t bother me. Ok, not entirely true. She did try.

I knew that she was planning a trip to Pennsylvania to visit her family at the end of May. While she was out there, they had gotten the local news channel to cover their reunion. She posted the video to her Facebook page. Todd hadn’t blocked her yet, only un-friended her, so she was able to tag him in pictures of her mother and the video. I was so upset by it because she was manipulating the situation to get to me. She was still disregarding my wish to be left alone. She wanted me to be a part of this reunion but I just could not especially after being disowned by her for the whole world to see. Todd was furious with her that she tagged him. He sent her a message over Facebook. I don’t remember everything put in it but it went something like, “a felony against a child is not a mistake. I have bit my tongue for 10 years while supporting Julie. I couldn’t wait for the day that I could tell you how I feel about what you and Dave did to her and the pain you caused. If you ever tag, message, mention or anything of us in the future, I will become your worse nightmare.” And then he said something about living with her pedophilic husband. It was extremely harsh and I began to have guilty feelings and panicky feelings again. She couldn’t tell her new family really much of anything. Perhaps that’s why she acted like I was accusing her of a falsehood. She wants her new family to believe that something is wrong with me not her. She blocked him after getting the message. He set up another account just to check on her to make sure she wasn’t posting anything about me or us. When he checked, she had taken down all my kids pictures and deleted anything referencing me. I felt bad. I don’t know why but I did. I asked him to shut that new account down and just let her be. I was serious when I said that I didn’t want any more drama. I don’t want to know what she does anymore.