I’m Still Here!

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Hello world! I had to vanish for a while because this semester of school about did me in but I passed and all is well! im-still-here-me9-14-10After September I really didn’t have time to do any writing because my astronomy and algebra professors thought my time should be spent doing otherwise. Right before finals I had a bit of a panic attack and shut down my blog but I knew it would be only temporary. If you aren’t already aware, all names on this site have been changed in order to provide myself and my family anonymity. One of the big reasons was that I didn’t want my mother to find it. Well, I failed at that!

I also have a LinkedIn profile and am part of a memoir writer’s society there. I had a link to this blog there to promote my writing but didn’t think twice to set it to private. Call me a dumbass! So, one day I received an email from WordPress that my views were “through the roof!” I had to check and see what was going on because it had been a few months since I had posted anything. I checked my stats and it looked like the viewer came from LinkedIn, which was a first for me so I went over to my LinkedIn account to check it out. I went to my notifications and there it was: my mother’s name under “who has viewed your profile.” My heart sank and I was mad and sad and a whole myriad of emotions. This blog wasn’t ever for her to read. I tried to keep it that way.

The purpose of this blog was to get all of the negativity out of my head and heart and rid myself of the shame and nightmares that I had been carrying around with me all my life. It is my therapy. She won’t see it that way. I honestly can’t believe that she read all of it. There is so much dirty laundry about my family here and there are some really heavy posts about some of my emotions through the healing process. I can’t imagine that would have been easy to read for her. I felt guilty. I changed my privacy settings on LinkedIn and privatized my blog until I could figure out what my next move was.

I contemplated for a few days many different things. At first I figured I could just change the name to “Goodbye Yesterday” instead, fix a few things and call it good. My mother’s not an idiot. She’d still find it if she wanted to. Before that, I almost shut the whole damn thing down and stopped writing all together but I realized that wasn’t the answer either. Why should I keep hiding? Why do I need to keep running? If she wants to stalk me then so be it. I am doing what is right for me. I needed to get my story out there and connect with other survivors so that I could muddle through all the weird emotions that were coursing through my mind and body. I needed to find myself apart from her.

I’m sure that after reading every damn single post, she probably thinks that I hate her. I don’t. I’m over that. I needed to get that out of me too. Don’t get me wrong- I’m still angry as hell. The woman is still married to a child molester and chooses to wallow in her own self pity rather than doing something about it. Things weren’t always terrible and there are things that I miss terribly. She’s my mother for crying out loud! Who doesn’t want a healthy relationship with their mother? Healthy is the key, though and safety is of utmost importance for my own children.

Just in case she comes back, here are my last words for her. This will be the last and only time that I will ever direct a post to her.

I miss your cooking. The chicken paprikash and sharing recipes. I’m still not nearly as good of a cook as you. I know that you would have bent over backwards (in your own mind) to do anything for me or my family. I have no doubt in my mind that you love me, even though your idea of love is skewed. I imagine the pain that you must feel of never having contact with the two babies that you birthed and raised. That pains me in my heart. But, you made choices. Your husband should have been locked up for life. Not only is he a child molester (not just me) but he is a rapist. I know that you think that he is harmless now but you don’t know that for sure. Do you know where he is at all hours of the day? He may not be prowling the streets or playgrounds but he is unsafe for my children to be around and I absolutely cannot stand to be in his presence without the overwhelming feeling of crying and/or throwing up taking over me. I gave you over a decade to get away from him. I would have been there for you but you lied and never had any intention of leaving him. For that, I blame you. There is still hope, though. I can be a part of your life if you leave him, leave the state and get professional mental help and therapy. Don’t wait until he croaks from his diabetes or whatever will end up taking him because it will be too late then. At that point, you have already made your choice. I have conditions but you have to follow them 100%. No only will there be hope for us but there will be hope for healing for you and possibly a happy ending in your life. The ball is in your court.

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6 responses »

  1. Julie,

    I’m proud of you. I was getting concerned about you. At first I didn’t think much of your absence because I knew you were in school and I was on and off for the last month or two. After a while I began to miss you and I looked you up this week. Glad you’re blogging again!

    I don’t expect any resolve with either of my parents. Can I be honest and say that I just don’t want it? I walked away from them a few times before, but I finally called it quits at forty. There was just way too much emotional, verbal and mental abuse from the both of them. When you add my dad’s physical abuse and extreme neglect from mom and dad, it’s just too much. I think it hurts even more to know that it wasn’t enough that they ruined my life, they had to have six more daughters and tried vervently to adopt two boys. All of that and the crazy religious indoctrination from birth up until my late thirties was just too much for me. They haven’t changed much at all and I don’t expect them to. After all, they see the world as horrible to them. No one understands them, no one ever wants to be nice to them or help them out. As I was cutting ties with my mother over the summer she actually had the nerve to tell me that it hurt her when I blocked her from my life in the past. She said, “Dad and I would never shut any of you girls out of our lives”.

    Julie, I’m just glad that you are fine and I’m sorry that your mom found your blog. It must have felt overwhelming to be so exposed to someone who was so horrible to you for so long. I feel bad that happened to you and I’m glad that you have more privacy settings now. Please continue to stay safe and be careful. Your readers value you and take your story to heart. I didn’t want to confront my parents’ damage the first forty years of my life when I initially became an atheist, but in leaving religion behind I had to because they indoctrinated me so horribly most of my life. You and Caden make me look at who I’ve been and who I am now. You guys teach me that it’s okay to be sad, hurt or angry about my past. You also give me permission to not care about my parents. Sometimes it’s not so much that I’m angry at them now, I just find myself apathetic towards them, I don’t miss them and I can barely remember any good times with them. Julie, you and Caden will never know how loved I feel when I read your posts and your replies to my comments. I don’t see you guys as bloggers, I see you as my sister and brother. We have a connection that I treasure and I am so grateful for two people who would put themselves out there, bare, open and vulnerable. You both help me to heal. I feel safe when I communicate with either one of you in any way. I thank you!

    (I don’t know if you guys looked at http://blackboxwarnings.wordpress.com/2013/12/17/the-silence-is-deafening/ or not, but I read it today and found it really interesting. I understood so much more once I read the intial piece the author wrote last year.)

    Take care, guys. I hope you all have an amazing holiday season. May love surround you every day.

    • Thank you, Charity! Knowing that you are not alone is such a big part of the healing process. I’m glad that I found people like you who understand the importance of cutting out toxic family members from our lives. Christian culture has it that we need to forgive a and forget but that only justifies the actions of our parents and doesn’t ease the burden for us.

      • Christian culture has it that we need to forgive and forget but that only justifies the actions of our parents and doesn’t ease the burden for us.

        Well said! Unfortunately, that has leaked over into our culture and a lot of people expect it from all of us. No matter what I did, I couldn’t pray the hurt away, especially as I continued contact and visits with my parents.

        I’m not saying there’s no need for forgiveness in certain circumstances, but I think for issues like we’re discussing here, “forgiveness” is another word for “enabling”. My parents knew this and everytime we communicated in any way it was as though the manipulation and control picked up where we left it last time.

        Maybe I’ll have your gift some day….the ability to say a whole lot with just a few words! 🙂

  2. I just noticed your blog was offline earlier this week and am really glad to see you back! Good for you in standing your ground, you deserve to have this space, this community whether your mother likes it or not. I really feel for you on this, it would be a challenge for me if (or when) my ex-family were to start slithering over my blog. I applaud your courage and hope it makes for an even more rewarding blogging process in the future as you write what you want to write and to hell with her.

    I can also really relate to this. I wondered if my own mother (or some other family member) had found my blog earlier this year because I kept receiving friend requests from obviously fake profiles on facebook and I realized that I had sent my ex-family letters with some copy/pasted text from my blog that they could have found via googling–and my blog leads right to my facebook as well. But I know my mother has no self-control, and if she found my blog she would have posted nasty, all-caps comments filled with insults and profanity. I remember years ago when we still emailed I accidentally left my signature which included my old website address in one of them, and she of course had to sent an email criticizing and attacking everything I said about myself there. But I stood up to her then, and said my website belongs to me and I’m not changing it for her. I suppose I’ll have to say that again, someday.

    take care,
    -Caden.

    • Thank you Caden! I have resolved that if she ever did comment, I would make it public and let her make an idiot of herself. I’m really surprised that she hasn’t at least sent an email. Hey, can we be Facebook friends?

      • Sure we can, it’s Caden Ceirdris, with the same picture as my avatar here. And that sounds like a good plan if she comments, I know it’s what Christina Enedvolson over at OSA did when her mother commented on her blog, too.

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