Awkward Little Me

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I was an awkward kid… at least I felt that way. I’m sure some people thought that I was just downright weird. It makes sense now. I probably had a hard time functioning as a kid because of all the crap my parents were putting me through. On the one hand, I had my mother ridiculing me for merely being a child. I remember her always telling me, “children should be seen and not heard.” I guess she thought that I talked too much. She was still giving me shit about that as an adult. She had no inner child so it was very difficult for her to relate with me at all. Then there was Dave, exposing me to all things sexual. I was being taught that those things were normal. He even told me how kids did porn. I am so grateful that the internet wasn’t big back then because there is no telling what else he would have done.

There were a few instances that I remember giving a grown up reasons to be concerned but I don’t know if it crossed anyone’s mind what was going on. When I was 6, there was the babysitter’s son. She walked in on us showing each other our privates. That was my idea. As I write this a new memory just popped up. That babysitter did call DFS because when the case worker came to visit, she mentioned that I kissed that little boy and told him, “this is how my daddy kisses me.” I was trying to French kiss him. That made two people, so I guess it did cross her mind. She didn’t babysit me after that. Now I know why. My parents also moved rather abruptly from that neighborhood.

A few years later when we were in the apartment complex, there was another incident at a different babysitter’s house. This sitter had 3 of her own kids. She took care of my brother during the day and me after school and on breaks. One day I was playing with their tape recorder. We used to record ourselves singing and just saying silly things. I had been playing with her daughter who was a couple of years younger than me. She got up and left and I was alone under the bed. The recording that I left was my version of an orgasm. Yep, I panted and moaned just like I had seen in Dave’s videos. Luckily for me, the sitter didn’t tell my mother (at least I don’t think she did). Instead she spoke to me directly and told me that was inappropriate and never do it again or she would tell my mother.  I think this lady might have known something was amiss because I don’t think this was the only time that I acted out with them but I don’t think she made any call to DFS.

As I got older, I had a knack for drawing cartoons. One of the things that I would draw was pictures of Dolly Parton and her big boobs. I also drew a lot of boobs. Just random boobs. I did this at someone else’s house and was called out about it. I do believe that this time my mother chewed me out for this.  I didn’t know it wasn’t normal to draw those sorts of things. I didn’t know that it wasn’t normal to kiss that way and make those noises. I was only portraying the environment that I had been exposed to.

I kind of feel bad for the adults that did call. They did what they could but still had to live with the thought that they knew a child was being abused and they couldn’t do anything else about it. Tonight I just realized that there were 3 calls made not 2. How many phone calls does family services need to get before doing a deeper investigation?

Needless to say, the abuse on both ends made me a very awkward child and teenager. I had a hard time making friends and keeping the ones that I did make. I had a hard time understand why someone would want to be friends with me. I still struggle with this as an adult. I can’t explain why.  I felt that I couldn’t be a part of the groups of beautiful, popular girls so when any of them would speak to me I would get all weird. I made some friends but not a lot and they usually changed every year. I had absolutely no self-esteem or confidence so that contributed to the difficulty that I had functioning with other kids.

I still struggle with my awkwardness today. I have a habit of being a wallflower and not putting myself out there. I’m afraid of risk and notoriety. I don’t like to be the center of attention. I feel like crying when people look me in the eye. I hate confrontation. I get this weird pain, almost like a bolt of electricity, up my spine when I do have to face someone who is being confrontational. A few times it has brought me to my knees. I hyperventilate when I think I’m going to disappoint someone.

I’m getting better, though. One thing at a time. I have actually gotten better at confrontation. However, when I do stand up for myself I get called down that I’m being a bitch and having an attitude. I don’t get that. Society is so fucking confusing sometimes.

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4 responses »

  1. This is a fantastic entry, thanks for sharing all of this. I wish the DFS would have done a real investigation and stopped what was happening. It’s really interesting, I remember my parents being really mad at me for somehow acting out sexually as a child–and they implied that it was my fault, that I was disgusting, inappropriate. But they were really just mad because they might get caught, because they were the disgusting ones. My mother also tried to shut me up as a child and then used my quietness against me, it’s so sick. We should always remember that, they were the ones who put all of those images and those behaviors into us with their abuse, it’s not something we came up with ourselves. I’m glad you’ve been able to move away from some of the awkwardness, coming out of my anxiety around social situations has been amazing for me.

    take care,
    -Caden.

    • Thank you, Caden! I’m still awkward as fuck although I try to hide it most of the time ;). It’s really amazing all of the things coming back to me as I write this blog. Have you had the same experience?

  2. I understand, Julie. It’s really humiliating when Child Protective Services come to your house. We have had this happen in my family at three different houses we lived in. The years of head lice, the not bathing regularly and the continual humiliation of what my parents did and did not do as people who were supposed to look out for us was downright shameful. It’s one thing to be a target for bullies, but it’s a whole new level when your worst ones are your parents. I’m glad you have cut them off. As you know from our private interactions, I’m going through a horrible time right now. I can’t talk to my parents about it. Although we have a bit of a connection, I have had boundaries set with them for years, and because of the nature of my issues they’re the last people I can go to for advice and help.

    I am really proud of you Julie. I know how hard it is to put all these memories down for the world to see. If your like me, after you type it up on your blog or in the comments section of someone else’s you must think “Woe! I really did have a shitty life!”

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