This has always been difficult for me. I have longed for the days of being a child, free of abuse. I realize that I will never have those days back and getting in touch with the little girl me has not been easy. After I had my son, I realized just how out of touch that I was. I didn’t really know what to do about it, though. It was like I didn’t know how to play. I just couldn’t. I was so out of touch with that part of myself. I had no trouble with humor and being silly but not on a child’s level. I swore that I would get better at it when my daughter came. I’m getting there. Being a stay at home mom helps. I think part of it is just being able to find that innocent part of myself that isn’t tainted by the abuse. That’s hard.
I have been trying to explore that part of myself, especially at the park. I would say to anyone that is trying to get in touch with their inner child to just go to a park and go down slides. Don’t worry about the weird looks. Don’t worry if your fat ass gets stuck because you won’t. Just slide. Go swing. Let the wind blow through your hair. Smell the flowers in the breeze. Hear the birds chirp. Taking in all of these senses is helping me to find that place. I want to have the freedom that I see in my kids. The ability to run and laugh and not have a care in the world.
To do list: go to the park, don’t worry about laundry or paying bills, run, chase a bug, climb on something, swing, slide, soak in the smiles on the children’s faces and find your own.