The Dark Parts of My Heart

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As positive and upbeat I may portray myself, there are still skeletons in my closet and deep dark secrets that I will probably never share. It’s ok. We all have those. Some of them might not even really be a secret but rather how you really feel about something or someone. One of those skeletons for me was how I really felt about my parents. Even though on the outside my relationship with them seemed to be normal but what I felt on the inside was far from it. Keeping in mind that I just came forward about my abuse and started this blog about two months ago, I am really having to face how I truly feel about these people. I sometimes felt bad for the way I felt. I never let anyone know about it because I didn’t want anyone to thing that I was lacking in ethical standards. The truth is, however, I always secretly hoped that my parents would just drive themselves off a cliff or something.

I feel terrible for having those thoughts because I am not a violent person nor do I wish death upon anyone but I had never really faced the pain within the deep, dark crevices of my heart. I suppose that I felt, in a way, that if they were deceased then my pain would magically disappear. I realize now that probably wouldn’t be the case. The one thing that would most likely disappear would be my mother’s drama but that has gone away… for now.

One of the fears that I had about disowning them was that they would get suicidal. My dad has always been depressed and had, in the past, mentioned very coyly people who couldn’t handle life anymore and just snapped. It’s also one of the reasons that I never pressed charges. I convinced myself that he was of no danger to the public and just didn’t think it was necessary. Truthfully, I just didn’t want to go through the drama of court appearances, my mother and the possibility of him committing suicide to avoid being raped in prison.

My fear of disowning my mother had more to do with her mental state. She always made it seem like I was her “savior” and that she couldn’t live without me. I hated this. She was almost co-dependent on me. I was not dependent on her, thank goodness! She felt like I needed to fill the gaps in her life that she couldn’t fill with legitimate friends and family. Well, they all hate her so I felt like I had no choice. I was scared and I still am a bit of what she is capable of. The woman is bat-shit crazy and is just a ticking time bomb waiting to go off.

I do live about a 7 hour drive away from her which is good. The other day I had a thought that crossed my mind that scared me. What if she went on an all-out lunatic crazy-spree and drove up here to try to kill or hurt my family or me? My heart sank. She has never been that violent or even close but there are a lot of factors in her life right now that could send her over the edge not including my situation. I think that she is too narcissistic to commit suicide but I don’t know if she is crazy enough to commit homicide. I feel myself beginning to cower in fear of her much like I did when I was little but this is much more serious. I don’t want to suggest that she is capable of it because I really don’t know.

I had a dream the other night that my husband and I were taking shelter from a bunch of tornadoes in a ditch. I think we came out of it fine. I’m not superstitious nor do I believe in the validity of dream interpretations but I do know that they could mean something psychologically. Perhaps I’m in the midst of my own tornado outbreak and maybe there is one heading my way. Either way, I know today that they are not my responsibility and what they chose to do with their lives, even if they end it, is not my problem. I have to be ok with that. I have to accept that it’s not my fault and not be conflicted with the other feelings that I have because my head and my heart are surely at war with one another.

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4 responses »

  1. These are really powerful insights. It’s so great to remind ourselves that despite the fact that our parents used us emotionally and made us feel responsible for their sanity, we aren’t, not at all. I’ve had many of the same fears about my mother or other family becoming very violent in response to my confronting them and speaking openly (I checked the obituaries online for a while….) But it hasn’t happened, and I know most abusive families just go on living in their dysfunction regardless–they will deny, ignore, reject, get drunk…all the things they’re so used to doing. I’m glad you have some distance and I hope they leave you alone.

    • You are probably right. She is in such denial that she just thinks I’ve gone temporarily crazy and will probably call her in a couple of months. I don’t think the reality has set in that she will not ever see me or my family again. I guess in a sense, her denial might be a blessing in disguise. 🙂

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