Monthly Archives: July 2013

Quintet of Radiance

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I was nominated for this award by Deepa over at Inspiring Evolution. Go check her out!!

It has actually been a couple of weeks and I am just now getting around to posting this. It has been a busy summer and I have been sick with an awful stomach virus for the last 5 days. Yuck!

This nomination is the Quintet of Radiance:

abc-award inner-peace-award most-influential-blogger sunshine-award versatile-blogger-nominations

 

According to ABC rules, I must write a word that describes myself with each letter of the alphabet, so here goes:

A. Aspiring

B. Boston Terriers

C. Character

D. Dealing

E. Ending it

F. Free

G. Gin

H. Harmony

I. Intrigue

J. Jimmy Johns

K. Knack

L. Love

M. Mocha

N. No

O. Opals

P. Peaches

Q. Quiet

R. Rescue

S. Sushi

T. Tell it

U. Underdog

V. Victorious

W. Whosits and whatsits galore

X. Xena

Y. Yummy

Z. Zanny

 

There you have it folks!

Statute of Limitations

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In the past, there were a few select people who I had told about my abuse. Most of the time they would ask if I would press charges against my step-father. I always convinced myself that I wouldn’t press charges because I didn’t want to go through the process of court dates and such. I also live in a different state which complicate that. Nobody ever really asked me that question until I was well into adulthood. I didn’t really start waking up from the emotional coma that I was in until recently. By the time I was asked about that, I had already gotten married and had my son. I was also playing pretend, just like my mother, trying to convince everybody that everything was fine. I basically told everyone that I didn’t believe that he was a threat to the public and that I was purely a matter of convenience since I lived with him. I figured that he only abused me because I lived in the same house as him but I really didn’t think that he was, or ever would, prey on anyone outside of the house. I  also was working on my relationship with my mother and giving her a clean slate and a second chance with me. This was all before I found out that I wasn’t his first victim and I began to “wake up.”

I beat myself up about this when I first came to terms with the abuse. I’m over that now but it is something worth discussing. I’m from Oklahoma. The statute of limitation used to be only 5 years but was extended to 7 years in 1990. Senator Debbie Leftwich (OKC-D) even said that 7 years was not enough time for most victims. In 2005 the statute was finally raised to 12 years after discovery. It’s really confusing though. Even at 12 years passed “discovery, ” the latest that I could have done anything would have been over 3 years ago. I’m not mad at myself anymore about it but I sure do wish that this law would be overturned in favor of no statute of limitations for victims like myself.

Sometimes I think, what if I lived in a state with no limitation? Would I go through with pressing charges at this point? Just the thought makes my stomach turn because I am still fighting with my own cognitive dissonance. On the one hand, I don’t want him to harm anyone else and justice must be served but on the other hand… he was my dad and even though I can’t stand him now, the little girl inside of me loved him at some point- for years. Logically, my mother should be charged as well for enabling the abuse and not reporting it. I still have mixed feelings about her as well. I feel like their lives are really shitty right now so do I really want to go and make it even worse? I think it all goes back to the fact that I think that I would feel horribly guilty of any punishment that was bestowed upon them. It’s all so conflicting!

So, I’d like to throw this question out there to other readers that have a similar past. Did you live in a state with the statutes or not? If your perpetrator is free because of these laws, how do you internally justify things without beating yourself up about it? All in all, I think that all citizens need to be made aware of these kinds of laws. Not everyone is completely aware. Even my own step-father was ill-informed way back when it was only 2 years. He thought that if he didn’t penetrate me, then it wasn’t illegal. He couldn’t have been more wrong. His ass would still be in jail right now or at least be on the sex offender registry.

Here is a list of state-by-state statutes for anyone interested from the NDAA.

 

 

Awkward Little Me

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I was an awkward kid… at least I felt that way. I’m sure some people thought that I was just downright weird. It makes sense now. I probably had a hard time functioning as a kid because of all the crap my parents were putting me through. On the one hand, I had my mother ridiculing me for merely being a child. I remember her always telling me, “children should be seen and not heard.” I guess she thought that I talked too much. She was still giving me shit about that as an adult. She had no inner child so it was very difficult for her to relate with me at all. Then there was Dave, exposing me to all things sexual. I was being taught that those things were normal. He even told me how kids did porn. I am so grateful that the internet wasn’t big back then because there is no telling what else he would have done.

There were a few instances that I remember giving a grown up reasons to be concerned but I don’t know if it crossed anyone’s mind what was going on. When I was 6, there was the babysitter’s son. She walked in on us showing each other our privates. That was my idea. As I write this a new memory just popped up. That babysitter did call DFS because when the case worker came to visit, she mentioned that I kissed that little boy and told him, “this is how my daddy kisses me.” I was trying to French kiss him. That made two people, so I guess it did cross her mind. She didn’t babysit me after that. Now I know why. My parents also moved rather abruptly from that neighborhood.

A few years later when we were in the apartment complex, there was another incident at a different babysitter’s house. This sitter had 3 of her own kids. She took care of my brother during the day and me after school and on breaks. One day I was playing with their tape recorder. We used to record ourselves singing and just saying silly things. I had been playing with her daughter who was a couple of years younger than me. She got up and left and I was alone under the bed. The recording that I left was my version of an orgasm. Yep, I panted and moaned just like I had seen in Dave’s videos. Luckily for me, the sitter didn’t tell my mother (at least I don’t think she did). Instead she spoke to me directly and told me that was inappropriate and never do it again or she would tell my mother.  I think this lady might have known something was amiss because I don’t think this was the only time that I acted out with them but I don’t think she made any call to DFS.

As I got older, I had a knack for drawing cartoons. One of the things that I would draw was pictures of Dolly Parton and her big boobs. I also drew a lot of boobs. Just random boobs. I did this at someone else’s house and was called out about it. I do believe that this time my mother chewed me out for this.  I didn’t know it wasn’t normal to draw those sorts of things. I didn’t know that it wasn’t normal to kiss that way and make those noises. I was only portraying the environment that I had been exposed to.

I kind of feel bad for the adults that did call. They did what they could but still had to live with the thought that they knew a child was being abused and they couldn’t do anything else about it. Tonight I just realized that there were 3 calls made not 2. How many phone calls does family services need to get before doing a deeper investigation?

Needless to say, the abuse on both ends made me a very awkward child and teenager. I had a hard time making friends and keeping the ones that I did make. I had a hard time understand why someone would want to be friends with me. I still struggle with this as an adult. I can’t explain why.  I felt that I couldn’t be a part of the groups of beautiful, popular girls so when any of them would speak to me I would get all weird. I made some friends but not a lot and they usually changed every year. I had absolutely no self-esteem or confidence so that contributed to the difficulty that I had functioning with other kids.

I still struggle with my awkwardness today. I have a habit of being a wallflower and not putting myself out there. I’m afraid of risk and notoriety. I don’t like to be the center of attention. I feel like crying when people look me in the eye. I hate confrontation. I get this weird pain, almost like a bolt of electricity, up my spine when I do have to face someone who is being confrontational. A few times it has brought me to my knees. I hyperventilate when I think I’m going to disappoint someone.

I’m getting better, though. One thing at a time. I have actually gotten better at confrontation. However, when I do stand up for myself I get called down that I’m being a bitch and having an attitude. I don’t get that. Society is so fucking confusing sometimes.

Liebster Award

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liebster-award

I’ve been nominated for the Liebster Award! Thanks to Melanie over at Wordiful for her nomination! This is a way for small bloggers to give recognition to other, small bloggers (200 followers or less). Here’s how it works:

Copy & Paste This Whole Post and Replace All Your Information — who awarded you, for example.

The rules:

1. Thank the Liebster Blog presenter who nominated you and link back to their blog.

2. Post 11 facts about yourself, answering the 11 questions you were asked and create 11 questions for your nominees.

3. Nominate 11 blogs who you feel deserve to be noticed and leave a comment on their blog letting them know they have been chosen.

4. Display the Liebster Award logo.

5. No tag backs meaning you can’t just re nominate the person who nominated you.

As Solo the First put it “The real purpose behind these nominations are not only as an accolade from a fellow blogger and let’s face it, nothing gently strokes our little writer hearts more than someone telling you they appreciate your work.  In addition to the back patting we need to receive from time to time, it also allows us to get a little more personal as we get to know our increasing blogging community. It also helps drive traffic to your site as we reference one another.”

The questions put forth to me (with my answers) are as follows:

1. What is your favorite novel?
This is terrible, but I don’t read much fiction. Don’t get me wrong, I love it but I prefer to write fiction rather than read it. Recently, I did read The Catcher in the Rye and I really enjoyed it. I think that I like period pieces but honestly, I probably like anything that I can finish in less than 6 months. I’m a busy mom and stuff.

2. Who is your favorite fictional character?
Beatrix Kiddo from Kill Bill, the woman is fierce and justified!
3. What is your favorite movie?
Anything from Quentin Tarantino. I loved Django!

4. What is you favorite way to relax?
A glass of pinot noir and half a bar of dark chocolate

5. What is your favorite song and/or band currently?
When the Morning Comes by Delta Rae. Anyone that has read my blog will understand why I love this song.

6. What was your favorite song and/or band during your teenage years?
When I was a teenager I was a grungy hippy. I listened to a lot of classic rock, Ozzy and Bad Company.

7. What is one of your guilty pleasures?
Katy Perry

8. What is your favorite color?
Purple

9. What makes you smile or laugh no matter what?
My crazy kids.

10. Where have you always wanted to go but haven’t yet?
San Francisco. I’m trying to convince my husband to move there after grad school. I’m keeping my fingers crossed!

11. Finish this sentence: ” I wish…………”
…I had a billy-goat. They’re freakin’ hilarious!

Here are my nominations (Check them out!!):

http://200poundstolose.wordpress.com/

http://proudlysensitive.wordpress.com/

http://bloggerita7.wordpress.com/

http://katharinemurphy85.wordpress.com/

http://demonsofinsanesanity.wordpress.com/

http://untoldstoryblog.wordpress.com/

http://niceatheist.com/

http://danuiseult.wordpress.com/

http://charl1010.wordpress.com/

http://socialworkingal.net/

http://riaria8579.wordpress.com/

Here are my 11 questions:

1. Coke or Pepsi?

2. If you chose to legally change your name, what would it be?

3. What is your hobby or pastime?

4. Would you rather go back in time 1,000 years and see history or live 1,000 and experience the future?

5. If you could have lunch with 1 living famous person, who would it be?

6. If you could have a conversation with 1 deceased person (famous or not), who would it be?

7. Cats or dogs?

8. Would you prefer to live in cooler climates with longer winters or warmer climates with longer summers?

9. What is your dream vacation?

10. What is 1 topic that you are tired of hearing about?

11. What’s the one thing that would make you really, really happy right now?

My Inner Child

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This has always been difficult for me. I have longed for the days of being a child, free of abuse. I realize that I will never have those days back and getting in touch with the little girl me has not been easy. After I had my son, I realized just how out of touch that I was. I didn’t really know what to do about it, though. It was like I didn’t know how to play. I just couldn’t. I was so out of touch with that part of myself. I had no trouble with humor and being silly but not on a child’s level. I swore that I would get better at it when my daughter came. I’m getting there. Being a stay at home mom helps. I think part of it is just being able to find that innocent part of myself that isn’t tainted by the abuse. That’s hard.

I have been trying to explore that part of myself, especially at the park. I would say to anyone that is trying to get in touch with their inner child to just go to a park and go down slides. Don’t worry about the weird looks. Don’t worry if your fat ass gets stuck because you won’t. Just slide. Go swing. Let the wind blow through your hair. Smell the flowers in the breeze. Hear the birds chirp. Taking in all of these senses is helping me to find that place. I want to have the freedom that I see in my kids. The ability to run and laugh and not have a care in the world.

To do list: go to the park, don’t worry about laundry or paying bills, run, chase a bug, climb on something, swing, slide, soak in the smiles on the children’s faces and find your own.

How sick is this?

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I had another memory sneak up on me today. Something triggered it. I don’t know what but it was something. This was when I was a little older. It might have been when I was 18 and came out to church officials about the molestation. I remember talking to my mother about it and her reaction was just bizarre. She tried to justify his actions by telling me, “Well, I guess he just loved you so much that he wanted to make you all his.”

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

That’s all I could think. I feel like this Jackie Chan meme:

jackie-chan-meme-wtf-113