My Step-Father

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He was always considered my father because I never knew my biological father. He is the only father that I ever knew. He officially adopted me when I was 9 and gave me a 2nd middle name so that I would be named after him in some sense. He is actually a pretty nice guy. Unlike my mother, he comes off as a gentle giant. I’ve heard several people refer to him as a “big teddy bear.” He is about 6’3″ and has always had a pot belly. He gets along with everyone that he meets. On the outside, nobody would ever guess what he had done to me behind closed doors. At times I feared that people wouldn’t believe me because of their preconceived ideas about him.

He married my mother when I was about two. She was his 3rd marriage. He had been divorced for just over a year when they got married. In that marriage, he had two kids. His daughter was just a few months younger than me and his son was 4 years older. I think he was only married to her for about 5 years. The marriage before that was only about a year. She had two girls from a previous relationship. He never spoke of them and as far as I know, never had contact with them after the divorce. He lost custody of his kids from the 2nd marriage. I had never put much thought to his previous marriages until recently. My earliest memories of sexual abuse start at about age 4. I realize now that might not be the earliest it started but just the earliest that I can remember it. I wonder now if he had been abusing the children in those previous relationships. I asked my grandmother why his 2nd marriage didn’t work out. She stuttered a bit when she answered. I felt like she knew something. All she told me was that his ex-wife had been working 2 jobs because he was barely making any money. They had just had their 2nd child. I would be pissed off if I was in her shoes so I can’t blame her at all. Grandma also told me that he just wasn’t a good father. When she said this, it seemed like there was more to it than not being a good father. Considering that there were two girls in his first marriage, I wondered what happened there.

I began to really question these marriages because I recently found out that I definitely wasn’t his first victim. I won’t get too specific but I recently found out that a female family member who is a little younger than him was also molested by him. This part really makes me shutter. When I was younger, one of the ways that he convinced me that this was “normal” was the story about the relationship that he had with this family member. He had told me that he had sex with her as a “favor” to (shutter again) stretch her and get her ready for sexual activity. It now sends shivers down my spine even thinking about it. When I was younger I didn’t think twice about it because he made it seem like it was consensual. I recently found out that it was in fact not consensual and happened for a long time. She had a daughter when she was 18. I am still in contact with that daughter. This person is very dear and special to me. She opened up and told me that she thinks that Dave might be her biological father. After this eye-opening conversation, I really began to wonder if there were more victims. I could easily contact my step-brother and step-sister but I question if I should. I realize now that he was and still is 100% a pedophile. This is a very good reason to keep my children away from him.

My mother swears that he has changed and is working toward being a better person. I call bullshit. I just don’t think that he wants to go through a divorce again and my mother does such a good job taking care of him that he would actually lose a lot if they did split. I know he hasn’t changed. He is still a pervert. I was briefly friends with him on Facebook but had to call that quits after a couple of months. He kept liking and friending porn stars that were very young. These things would pop up in my news feed. It pissed me off. It grossed me out. It proved to me that he hadn’t changed and didn’t care. This was only a couple of years ago. I made sure that my mother knew about it. I told her ALL about how I felt. She didn’t really react. It was like, once again, she didn’t want to be faced with who her husband really is.

He never thought he would live passed his 50th birthday. He is now in his 60’s and quite frankly, I wish his time would come. He has been close to death so many times because he doesn’t take care of his health. He always said that God gave him a second chance. Bullshit. He had insurance and good doctors.

 

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3 responses »

  1. Pingback: Project Unbreakable | Surviving Yesterday

  2. I’m so sorry to read this. I’m sorry that you had this experience. I just saw a movie that had similar themes with Mira Sorvino called, “The Presence.” I honestly don’t know if it would be helpful or hard for you to see this film, but in it she deals with the same issue you speak of here with people not believing her father was capable of what he did. His public persona was very different from reality. It’s amazing how in the world we live in people accept so much at face value. I have always suspected that there was sexual abuse in my youth during the period when my mother was single, and dating different men. I have many of the issues that they say coincide with this. I just don’t remember anything and a therapist told me once that it was best to keep that lid shut after I inquired about hypnotherapy. I’m not sure if she was right or wrong.

    You just posted on my blog and I want to let you know that I’m so grateful that you did. I’m so glad to know you and think you’re very courageous to share you story. I understand, very much, what it’s like to not be heard or believed. I am glad to share the healing road with you. I am sending you all my positive vibes. Hugs

    • Thank you so much! Support is everything, right? I actually just saw an interview with Mira about that movie and the activism they are doing to stop trafficking. I actually want to see it. I hope to get involved in some sort of activism in the future to help victims of abuse. I don’t think that most people realize that this stuff happens in their neighborhoods, churches, schools, etc. Child predators don’t always look like that creepy, slimebag with a weird mustache.

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