My Mother

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My mother is quite a peach. Just kidding. My mother is the source for a lot of my anger despite the fact that my step-dad sexually abused me. I have had an on and off relationship with her. Things had actually been alright for the last 9 years up until the big fall-out. I didn’t realize that I had so much anger toward her until I started to write this blog. There were many times that she was faced with the fact that her husband was molesting her daughter and she did nothing about it. She was abused by her father growing up so when I became an adult, I tried to be understanding and forgiving. Something else that I’ve learned about myself recently is that I am a people pleaser because of her. This isn’t necessarily a good thing. This personality trait is the reason why I kept a relationship with her at all. I was always afraid to let her go. I don’t know why. I felt guilty at the thought because her mother abandoned her and my biological father also abandoned her. I didn’t want to be one more person in her life to leave her. I sympathized with her. The older I got, though, the more I couldn’t keep doing it. Having children of my own really opened my eyes.

She wasn’t a nice person to me. Not only was I abused sexually by my step-father but she also was abusive toward me. Her preferred method was with words and violence. I don’t know what is wrong with her but whatever it is doesn’t allow her to be disappointed or criticized. She absolutely can’t handle it and will lost her cool especially if she is already under any kind of stress. I don’t have any good memories involving her from my childhood because all of the bad ones overshadow any of the good ones. She was always yelling at me and demanding me around. I was forced to care for my brother to an extent that I shouldn’t have been. Nothing was ever good enough, either. I was a really good kid. I didn’t act out (generally) in public, I had good grades, and seemed overall very normal in the public eye. As a child I was still treated like I was just a piece of property. As I grew closer to being an adult, she tried to convert me into her best friend and shopping buddy. When I wanted no part of it, she couldn’t understand why. She still doesn’t understand why I don’t want to be close to her.

My mother has always had a problem with denial. She tries to play off our family secrets as normal and then tries to put up a facade that we are a “white picket fence” family. My brother had behavior issues as a kid. She would either play these down or just put the blame back on him. She never would take responsibility for him but instead would put all the blame on my step-dad or the school. As I got older I realized that a lot of the things that she did for me was only for this facade. Behind close doors where nobody else was looking or listening, she was a bitch to her family. If it was something where others could see in, she would go out of her way. She did this for birthday parties, my prom, etc. I understood wanting a decent place to live and a decent car to drive, but she got into the habit of living outside of her means to support the idea that things look good on the outside. She was in denial about her own health too. She had been told by several people that she needed to consider getting on meds. I remember one time she was prescribed anti-anxiety medication but she never took it. This was the obvious problem in dealing with my abuse from my step-father. She didn’t want to face what was going on which would force her to divorce and be on her own. Instead she tried to pretend that nothing was happening and convince me of the same.

She isn’t a horrible tyrant of a person but she isn’t the most pleasant either. She can be nice and is to other people. Hell, she was nice to me for the last 9 years for the most part. She was trying to be a decent person, as long as nobody brought up the past and treated her with respect. My childhood was the worst with her. Really, what I dealt with as an adult was her constantly trying to make me be her best friend. She wanted that perfect mother/daughter relationship but I just couldn’t give it to her. I gave in a little but I still had to have my boundaries. I needed her to not talk about my step-dad. She tried to bring up their sex life and how he needed viagra. I didn’t want to hear any of it. She just wanted all the normal things in life like a relationship with her daughter, being a grandma, etc. I couldn’t give her these things anymore because she chose to stay married to my step-father and disregarded what he did to me. She wanted to stand by her man so that’s what she ended up with.

 

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2 responses »

  1. Julie, don’t ever feel guilty for setting boundaries, and cutting ties.

    There’s a lot of crummy doctrines about forgiveness out there in the church world. Some people actually expect wounded people to maintain relationships with those who abuse them physically, mentally and sexually. Joyce Meyer is a prime example of this when she actually housed her parents, provided for them and even baptized her dad in water! Her mom was horribly neglectful for years while her dad continually raped her, several times a week year after year.

    Some may think I’m harsh, but here are questions I would like to ask them: If someone rapes you do you start a friendship or even a relationship with him? No. If your husband beats you do you stay with him? No. Do you continue to go to a doctor who misdiagnoses you or even worse, botches surgery on your body? No.

    I have never been abused the way you have, but I had gone through years of spiritual abuse (I’m an atheist now.), physical abuse and verbal abuse from my parents, and churches. I also had to be mom and dad to both my mom and dad for most of my life. I have had episodes where I withdrew from my parents for weeks, months, even for a couple of years the last time.

    I started your story last night and could not go to bed until I read every single post. None of the abuse was your fault, ever. Also know that just because you are blood related to some horrible people DOES NOT make you horrible. Stand up for yourself, take charge and care for yourself, and your children and your husband. I am so sorry that these people hurt you, shamed you, and made life so unbearable for you for so long. My heart just aches for that little girl you were years ago. Just know that our children are fantastic because they give us another shot at a childhood we never had.

    Go with goodness, my dear. We should never intimidate others, but we should always stand up for ourselves and others to whom we hold so dear in our hearts.

    • Hi Charity! Thanks so much for responding to my post. I forgot about Joyce Meyers. I used to follow her back in my Christian days. So glad I don’t anymore! I think forgiveness on that level doesn’t help the victim at all but rather lets the perpetrator off the hook. Unfortunately, because of statute of limitation laws, my parents will never get what they truly deserve, which is jail time. However, cutting them off has not only lifted a huge burden from me but I think has punished them in a sense. Life is about choices and I chose to not let my past dictate my future. I chose strength, health and love. Thanks for reading! Keep in touch!

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