The First Step- The Letter

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The Monday after Mother’s Day I decided to sit down and write a letter to my mother. I had so many emotions flowing through me. I had really pussy-footed around her when it came to telling her how I felt but the time was now to stop doing that. She didn’t understand how much hurt I was suffering from nor did she care. Here is the letter that I sent her:

You wanted to know why I un-friended you from Facebook but failed to listen. That’s fine. You proved to still be the same mother that I’ve always known. It wasn’t entirely for the reasons that I stated and definitely not what you think. I actually have a very deep reason for un-friending you and this is very important so please read this. I have been holding this back for a long time but I got to the point that I just couldn’t take it anymore and the last text you sent me about “hurting” you was just all I could take. You keep posting about how “awesome” and “wonderful” Dave is. You even have the balls to tell me this over the phone as well as comment about your sex life with him (and lack thereof). You also sent me a link to send you on a cruise because you thought that I would think you deserve it. So I need to ask…do you remember that the guy you have chosen to stay married to the man who stole my innocence? It seems like you have forgotten once again since you keep rubbing his existence in my face no matter how much I ask you to stop. Allow me to rehash it. He molested me from age 4 until I was 13 when I finally told him to stop. He had me watch porn, forced me to give him blow jobs, told me that dad’s and daughters do it all the time, it’s normal, it’s “our little secret” and wanted to make me his personal prostitute to go “all the way” with him. He also offered to pimp me out to his slime-bag employees for money. Now that I have refreshed your memory, let me just tell you how much YOU have hurt ME. Don’t EVER say that you didn’t know because you did and you did NOTHING to protect me. NOTHING. I’m sick and tired of sympathizing with you. You were an adult and you knew the difference between right and wrong. You could have made the right choice and you had several opportunities to do so but you didn’t. You forced me to lie to DFS…twice. On top on being sexually abused, you also abused me. You beat me, degraded me, and treated me like complete shit as a child up until I got married. To this day, I have absolutely no good memories involving you in my childhood. I remember feeling like you hated me. I always wondered what would have happened if I wouldn’t have lied to DFS. Maybe I would have been with a family that treated me with dignity. Maybe not. And I hurt YOU?

There were also many times as a teenager that I thought about killing myself just to get away from you. You terrorized me. Remember that stomach pain that I had? It wasn’t diverticulitis. It was stress! No child should have to go through that. When the opportunity for Master’s Commission came up I ran for it not because it was ministry but because it was a way for me to get far away from my family. I was dismayed when I wasn’t accepted back because that meant that I had to move back home. So when Springfield called, of course I was going to jump on that. The rest is history.

Having children of my own, especially a daughter, has really changed my perspective. If my husband were to ever do those things to her, there would probably be a knife in his heart or he would be behind bars.

Today, I am living with nightmares and flashbacks. I need therapy. I need respect. What I don’t need is negativity and guilt. I don’t need the drama and it is not welcome in my home or my heart. I have a lot of healing to accomplish. I have a lot of animosity toward you and it is very difficult for me to reach those goals when you are constantly reminding me of how wonderful you think Dave is and how you have sex with him. It’s disgusting and reminds me that you only care about yourself. You have been extremely insensitive. My needs and hurts are of no concern to you. You think I should just get over it.  SO, when you sent me the email to send you on a cruise, it was like a punch to the gut. It was you telling me to forget my past and the nightmares that I live with daily and glorify my mother that allowed and caused most of them. Every time you tell me (or Facebook) how wonderful Dave is, it kills me inside. You are killing me inside. You were not a good mother. I tried to give you the opportunity to redeem yourself as a grandparent but after the last few weeks I realize that you haven’t changed. You are still the same woman. I have no room in my heart for you right now nor do I want your negativity around my children. I need to heal. This is the first step and I can’t do it when I’m living in guilt to keep a relationship with you. I can’t control what you do with your life or your Facebook for that matter. You can do whatever you want. You can say whatever you want but don’t expect people to want to be a part of your life when you act the way you do.

I have been way too nice and I’ve let this carry on for way too long. I should have cut you off over 10 years ago.

Mom, you need help. You are sick. Dave is sick. You have chosen the life that you have and the man you are married to. You have made your choice. You need to start learning to live with the consequences of your choices. Please don’t contact me. I need time to heal. You have no idea what I’m going through.

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