Changes

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This whole process of healing and overcoming reminds me of a giant onion. That’s how my life has been since I was a teenager and I feel like I’m almost to the center most layers. The biggest change in my life concerning my abuse, was having my children.  After my son turned 4, I really began to distance myself from Dave. I thought so many times, “he is the age I was when it all started.” The thought made me sick. He was just a little boy so innocent and sweet. That’s what I was, but just a little girl. Why would anyone want to hurt such an innocent child? It wasn’t just the sexual abuse either. There were a few times that I felt like my mother came out of my mouth and personality. I hated it. I hated the feeling of losing my temper and hurting his feelings. I felt like I was turning into her and I vowed to never let that happen. I have made a personal vow to not be anything like her or treat my children in any way the way she treated me. It scared me. I didn’t want to put him through the hell that I lived through. I loved him too much. I also began to question the fact that she blamed not having good parents to teach her right from wrong as the reason why she didn’t know any better. I was raised by a pedophile and my mother (I don’t know what word to use for her) and I know how not to treat your kids. How could she do those things to me and not bat an eyelash? How could she let Dave get away with everything that he did? I didn’t understand it.

Having my daughter (Christmas 2011), I think was when things were beginning to spiral to where they are today.  My mother came and helped for a week after she was born which was really helpful and I was very appreciative. She didn’t rush up and sit for 3 days in the hospital… thank goodness! My daughter was a feisty and cranky baby. She hated her car seat so taking road trips anywhere was out of the question. We learned this the hard way because we did make a trip down when she was about 4 months old. It’s a 4 1/2 hour trip for us and she cried half the trip- both ways. We haven’t been back since. Instead, they came to visit recently. I really didn’t want Dave to come but my mother whined about he should get to see his grand kids too. The thing about Dave is that he is a pathetic lump of a man. I always tell my mother that he’s just a lump on a log.  I knew the trip would be a waste if he came and I was right. We had moved a couple of hours away so the drive changed from 4 1/2 to 6 1/2 hours. Just the drive alone wiped him out. He slept for 2 days. They were there for 3 and left the morning of the 4th. TWO days! When he did come out, he’d come out without a shirt on which was fucking gross anyway. He’s overweight and had that major surgery on his gut. Besides, this was my house not theirs. I would not walk around without pants on in their house. It was so damn annoying. When he finally was up and awake, he’d come out to the living room and play casino games on his phone or computer. When he finally decided to wake up enough to be a grandpa, my stomach just turned and turned. I had a hard time tolerating him holding my daughter. I was very uncomfortable. I was also pissed that he was acting so pathetic. Why even come? My son kept asking why grandpa was sleeping all day. It’s mind-blowing how a man could be in that much pain but yet can manage an entire grocery store meat department and mow lawns on the side. I really didn’t care what excuse he had, I had grown to despise him so much that I couldn’t stand to be around him. I was still sympathizing with my mother though but that was coming to an end.

A few years ago, I suggested that she get on Facebook that way she can see pictures of the kids and not feel so left out. I suggested this because she was starting to really harp on the fact that I didn’t live close to her. I reminded her several times that I moved a distance away for a reason and that I could never live near her. My mother has a horrible habit of only hearing what she wants to so when I say things like this, she thinks that I’m saying “I can’t live near you because of Dave.” But he is only half the problem. She honestly has no reason to think that she ever did anything wrong and we can and should have a very normal mother/daughter relationship. That was never going to happen. I could barely stand to have the long distance relationship that we had but I did it for her not me.

Facebook was the worst idea I could have given her. She took it to a whole new level. I wasn’t so bothered by the fact that she stalked every single one of my posts. She was my mother and overbearing but this was the internet so I tried not to let that get to me.  She didn’t have a best friend or really any family to be a sounding board for her when she wanted to bitch. She tried to make me be that person by guilting me but I wouldn’t do it especially when it pertained to Dave. When she lost her job she posted the most pathetic, giant scream for attention that I have ever seen a person put on Facebook. I wish I would have captured it before she deleted it. It was a whole paragraph of no matter how hard she works, it never pays off and no body appreciates her and blah, blah, blah. It was really sad. It made her look crazy. She took it down a couple of hours later. This wasn’t the first crazy-lady post she put either. At least most of the time she’d take them down but by then it’s too late. The other thing was that she was constantly posting pictures and memes about how wonderful her husband is. Yes, Dave, that guy. It was really pissing me off. Every time she posted something like that, it was like a punch to the gut. It was like she completely disregarded anything that happened to me and wanted to rub it in my face that she was never leaving him and wasn’t sorry for what happened to me. She also was posting things directed to my brother who is not on Facebook as well as memes about her daughter being her best friend. She just wasn’t getting it. I tried to tell her how I felt but it wasn’t getting through and if I was blunt enough then she’d lose her cool.

When things are rough for her, she doesn’t even try to be positive. Her negativity was really bringing me down and she was so relentless with contacting me that it stressed me out because I had to deal with it several times a week. After she lost her job and I became a stay at home mom, she thought this would be her opportunity to really get into my life. I tried to set boundaries for her a few times but she completely disregarded them. If I wasn’t talking to her everyday then she was texting me. It got to the point that she had nothing to say other than “hi.” This is a pet peeve of mine. I’m not a big fan of talking on the phone anyway but it really irks me when I get a call and the person who called me has nothing to say. When I tried setting those boundaries, I would tell her that everyday is too much, even texting. Sometimes she was put off by it and sometimes she didn’t even react. I was busy though. I’m a full-time student, I have a toddler (baby at the time), and I still do contract work for the company I used to work for so I’m busy. I don’t have time to text a person back and forth for hours or yap on the phone daily. It was really eating into valuable time. I felt like I had been just giving into her and letting her have her way. This wasn’t what I wanted. I really wanted to be in control of this and I felt that I had every right to be.

There wasn’t anymore talk of leaving Dave, either. They had downsized into a condo owned by my grandparents. They were renting it for pretty cheap so they could get on their feet since my mother wasn’t working. She was extremely ungrateful and very hateful toward them. She is a miserable and unhappy person and I honestly don’t know if there is anything in the world that could make her happy. I’m sure she has depression on top of whatever mental issue is going on. After I had my daughter, I had to get on a mild anti-anxiety medication because of stress. My husband was in his last semester of school before going into grad school, I was working full-time, he was working part-time as well as school, and we’d just had the baby. I was really stressed out. I needed it. When I told her that I was on it, her response was, “I don’t believe in that kind of medication. You shouldn’t be on that!” Well, that explained a lot. I don’t know why she didn’t like anti-anxiety pills but it sure does explain why she refuses to get help. I really didn’t want her negativity and hateful attitude around my children anymore, either. It was really wearing on me. She was just so hateful and made rude comments about all kinds of people behind their backs. I was really beginning to understand that she is a toxic person and that Dave was just as toxic.

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