There were some things that my mother just couldn’t wait to get me in: a bikini, hot pants, push-up bras. Now my mother was trying to sexual me. She bought me a pair of hot pants for my 14th birthday and thought that I should wear more revealing clothing and not hide my figure. I think she was trying to live through me vicariously. She was overweight and was obsessed over my body. It really wasn’t that great. I was overweight compared to the other girls my age but I did have more curves and boobs. I was really confused because most of my other friends weren’t allowed to wear such things. I think it was also because my parents were trying to have that “cool” factor. They tried really hard to be cool once I became a teenager. I didn’t think that I was very pretty. I had a very poor self image and esteem. I had never been asked out by a boy although a boy tried to kiss me when I was 13 but I didn’t like it. I always felt that since I had some extra “pudge” that I wasn’t skinny enough to be considered pretty or good enough to be asked out by boys. That summer (when I was 15) I also got a bikini. It was a green, gingham checked, push-up bra 2 piece. One of the reasons that my mother insisted on me wearing push-up bras was because my breasts were noticeably uneven. Needless to say, I don’t think I would allow my 15 year old daughter to wear that. We also had a small above ground pool. One day a friend and I were swimming. Dave came home with a couple of his employees. He always hired nasty, drug addicted, low-lifes. They were younger, like early 20’s but they were gross. After they all left, Dave told me how they were watching me swim. They commented how hot I was and looked older than 15 (thanks mom!) He then proceeded to tell me that I had such a great body and looked so hot in my bikini. I could also make money off my body. Men would pay good money for me or to just see me. He was insinuating that I become a stripper or a hooker. I really wanted a one-piece suit after that conversation. I don’t think I ever wore it again around him. I already felt uncomfortable enough because I was slightly pudgy. I didn’t feel like I had any business being in a bathing suit that revealing.
My parents had stopped putting my brother in daycare at all. I took care of him after school and on breaks. It was a nightmare. He never got any discipline and did just whatever he wanted. He was supposed to only go in the backyard when my parents weren’t home but he would never follow these instructions and always took off for the creek or woods on his bike. He loved hunting for little animals and riding his bike. There was nothing that I could do to hold him back but yet I was the one that got in trouble if he took off. During school, I was normally busy doing homework. When I turned 16, I got a job at a skating rink a few nights a week so my week was pretty booked with having to watch him, do school work and work and do stupid chores to keep the beast tamed. I was exhausted most of the time. I kept pretty good grades (A’s and B’s) but I had to cheat through a lot of things. I didn’t have time to study for tests or read novels for literature. My mother didn’t care. Money was tight and they had no other choice. They didn’t a damn thing about Scotty, though. When he ran off, she would demand that I go find him and call her back so she could check up on him. Sometimes it would take me up to an hour to find him. I really needed to be studying. It was stressful. Scotty and I were at each others’ throats. He ran around wild. The more I asked him to calm down, the more wild he got. It got to the point that I seriously thought I was going crazy. I broke down and cried several times. I couldn’t control him and my parents refused to discipline him. All they ever did to him was tell him that I was in charge. One day (he was 7), he threatened to hit me in the head with his baseball bat. It was probably because I was yelling at him so much to stay close by. He didn’t understand that I was the one getting in trouble when he was bad. I was really starting to resent him. He didn’t deserve this either. It seemed like Dave ignored him most of the time, my mother was too busy and exhausted to pay any attention to him. He was having behavior problems at school. It got to the point that the school threatened to have him permanently expelled. They suggested that my parents home school or put him in a private Christian school. This wasn’t an option because money was already tight enough.
When I was 16, my grandpa died of cancer. He was Dave’s biological father. He was my favorite grandpa. After he passed, things just weren’t the same on that side of the family. I never knew why. I knew that my grandma and aunt didn’t like my mom, but things just got different. There weren’t as many get-togethers or anything for that matter. We all became very distant. Grandpa was the glue that held us all together it seemed.
I almost got lucky that year. Dave almost died. His colon ruptured and the doctors also removed a grapefruit sized cyst from his gut. He never took very good care of himself. He was a meat and potatoes kind of guy. The doctors told him that had he waited another hour he would have been dead from sepsis. He was rendered useless and unable to work for at least 6 months. He was on a colostomy bag too. It was pretty gross. As soon as my mother came home from the hospital, she informed me that I would have to start picking up more shifts at the skating rink. I informed my boss. I didn’t know any better but I was pretty stupid about it. I told her that I needed more hours or I would have to quit. She ended up taking me off the schedule entirely to train her daughter. I got a job at a Braum’s (ice cream, grocery, burgers, etc.). I did all sorts of things there. I also worked about 35 hours a week. I also had to give my check to my mother to help pay the bills.
I met a boy at work. I also met pot at work. This was summer time by the time this happened. I was sort of dating a guy that my mother hooked me up with. I didn’t really have a choice but to follow along. He was the son of a co-worker. He was a year older than me. He was a dork. He wasn’t really attractive but I tried to put that aside and get to know him anyway. He was a nice guy. As soon as we were alone he was constantly nagging me to give him head. I didn’t really want to but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. He signed up for the National Guard and was scheduled to be gone for boot camp June and July. We had only dated for two months before he left. I really didn’t like him. I felt like I was with him because of my mother and if I dumped him then I would be letting everyone down. It was during boot camp that I got to know Erik. He was good-looking but I didn’t really consider him because I thought he had a girlfriend. We hung out a lot that summer and I got to know him more. I was freed up because my brother was now old enough to take care of himself… thank goodness! I found out that he did in fact have a girlfriend and she was pregnant. He kept telling me that he was planning on cutting it off but still being there for the baby. His parents kicked him out partially due to their evangelical nature. He had kissed me once but that was it. At that point we were just friends. I still had a boyfriend. I didn’t want to keep dating him. When he got back from basic training he never called me. After three days, I called his house and his mom said that he was playing pool with his friends. Well, that gave me the answer that I needed. I broke up with him. He took three days to call me and I really didn’t want to keep up the charade. Erik was quickly taking my heart anyway. My parents knew about him. In fact, before anything had even happened, Dave called me a two-timing whore! Yeah… the guy that had basically cheated on his wife for over a decade with a child. That guy. Erik kept me dragging along. Somehow his mom found out who I was and called my parents. I got a loooong tongue lashing about how I needed to break it off with him. Fine. I still worked with him and we still hung out but the parents on either side never knew about it. I don’t know what it was about him. Yes, he was cheating on his pregnant girlfriend. I think it was because I felt free to be me around him. We had a good time together and I never felt abused around him. I ended up losing my virginity to him but that was the only time we had sex. That was the only time that I had sex at all. Things were about to change pretty drastically in my life and not totally for the better.