Age 14

Standard

This was it. This was the year it ended. For good. The fondling had slowed down and he wasn’t touching me with his genitals any more. I imagine that it was because I had started my period and was capable of getting pregnant. Perhaps he was only into young girls and just not as attracted to me. Maybe my distant attitude was sending the message. He still try to kiss me open-mouthed with a little tongue when no one was around. He liked to pretend that I was his girlfriend instead of his daughter. At age 14 he came at me trying to kiss me and I pushed him away and said, “I’m not your girlfriend. You can’t kiss me like that.” I stepped back and saw the shock on his face. Between him and my mother I was always so consumed by guilt and fear that standing up for myself or speaking my mind was thoroughly out of the question. He immediately let me know that I really hurt his feelings and broke his heart. He told me that he wasn’t doing anything wrong and I shouldn’t be so upset. This type of thing was normal. “No it isn’t.” I went to my room and tried to ignore him for the next couple of days.

That was it. I guess it scared him enough that he didn’t touch me again after that. There were still plenty of clues that he was a pervert but not toward me. How I only had to deal with my mother. He got over his hard feelings and we could still be friends. I was still forced to mow lawns with him when he didn’t have enough help. That job sucked ass. I hated it. The only nice thing was that I got really tan and fit. I was hoisting 100 lb bags of grass on my back and carrying them across big yards. I got really strong. He still didn’t stop his talk though. When we were alone doing lawns together, it was often one of the main topics of discussion. The other one was my mother. It was during these years (mowing lawns) that he started telling me about her past. I learned that she was a prostitute. I also learned that her father used to tell her that she was demon possessed and she needed medication. He was abusive toward her too in different ways. Just talking about her behind her back really helped to create a divide between my mother and I. She wasn’t a crazy bitch all the time. As long as things were going her way, then it was pretty calm. He told me that I was a sad and depressed person because of her. I now find that really interesting. He never thought for a second that sexually exploiting a child for that amount of time would ever have an effect on their psyche. He talked horribly of her. He told me that my brother and I were the only reason why he stuck around. He had every intention of leaving her when the time was right… or so he said.

I was supposed to be making some money from mowing lawns. I also babysat part-time and after school that I made money from. They set me up a bank account to put my money in. Wouldn’t ya know…. I rarely saw a dime of it. Apparently money issues were beginning to get pretty bad and my mother was taking funds from my account to help pay for the groceries and bills. Part of the reason is because Dave did his own bookkeeping and did a horrible job at it. He also skimmed money off the top that my mother wouldn’t find.

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